I Could Make You Happy You Know

Oh sometimes I'm not sure what the hell I've been thinking. I really miss the last person I recently dated several months ago. I never really mentioned it to many people...I guess because I always knew it would end bad. And don't get me wrong I'm very happy with the person I'm currently dating. Happier than I've been in a long time actually. The other person treated me really bad...and I don't miss them for that. We fought a lot and they did a lot of...not good things that really hurt me and I really needed to get away. I blew up on them finally and we got into a massive fight and I lost them even as a friend which is also a good thing because they couldn't get over us not dating. It just took a really bad toll on me and I see them all the time and they look like crap and I'm always still worried about how they are. I want to talk to them but I know I shouldn't because it always ends up with me playing defense and getting hurt. I just kinda fall apart every time I see them though. I don't in anyway want to date them again...but I don't know it still just hurts.

My bf knows about it some but I don't feel that its appropriate to discuss with him. He only knows about it at all because he knows the other person and saw us get into it once. I discuss it a little with Te and D but I feel like its not getting any better. D understands because she's gone through some shit but its awkward to talk about it. I just feel like I got so close to them like I lost something there and in a way I regret it but at the same time I don't at all. I want to hate them sometimes but I'd still do anything for them just because that's how I am. I hate it.

However, as I said I am very happy for the most part with everything else. My bf is great. He treats me great and we get along with each others families which I think is wonderful. I have two of the best friends I could ask for. They always know just what I'm thinking just by the look on my face which is nice because it saves time. haha. They know I smile to cover whatever I'm really thinking but I still try anyway...its useless though and they always call me out. I just wish I could let go of the other person. But they will be moving out of state soon so hopefully after that it will be easier. I guess we will see...

If you weren't already.

She's Like a Cat in the Darkness

Well this weekend was a bitch. I was yelled at more than usual by customers. Granted half of my job is to be yelled at by customers for other people's mistakes and be able to handle it in a professional way, but these past few days were too much. I don't know what my cashiers were doing to piss people off but they were doing a good job at it and I was getting all the heat for it. Usually I'm able to do what I do best, remember to smile no matter how angry or upset I get, but sometimes I can't. My meds make it hard to not show my emotions and being called a stupid blank blank blank retarded blank blank by customers can really get me fired up fast. I decided to edit what they really say...I don't know why...I guess just so I won't get mad now thinking about it. But I'm usually called a slur of curse words with stupid or retarded in the middle of it. How do I earn this title from them when I'm not even the one who messed up? Its very frustrating. The worst part is trying to respond to them in a calm manner when really I'd love to reach over and smack the hell out of them.

At least my boyfriend works in the same department so I always have someone I know will stand up for me when customers get too carried away with the yelling. I think I scared the poor boy yesterday. I was getting pushed too far by one customer who kept trying to get in my face. She used to work there about a year ago as one of my cashiers and was fired because she was always making customers angry because she has a bad attitude. Clearly she's not improved on that much. But I finally snapped and went off on her and my boyfriend had to come get me and then my store manager stepped in. He took my side in the argument and picked up where I left off. It was more of a tag team effort to get her out of the store. I'm pretty sure she's not allowed to come back. I try my best not to get shady with the customers and lose my temper but the good news is I never get in trouble when I do. Usually if they have pushed me that far its because they are crazy and security has to remove them from the building. Don't forget by the way I work in a grocery store....and yes to some people life's biggest battles go down there. Its freaking ridiculous. And slightly depressing.

I'm so tired of having people throw cheese balls, hand soap, pens, keys, or any other item within their reach at me. These are grown people too and they can't even settle a problem by talking calmly but by throwing items like a child in a tantrum. They are just making me tired.

But hopefully over the next few days I will get to deal with them less. Tonight I just get to chill as a cashier so I don't have to deal with as many shitty people. The next two days after that I get to hide in the office. Yay. Plus this Saturday I get the day off! Its a rare thing. I'm dragging my bf to Indy to watch winter guard. Isn't he lucky? lol. I haven't been able to go to any this year though so I'm excited to finally be able to catch one and its going to be finals so that's even better. Now if I can just get to the weekend without killing a customer...

And then she is the darkness...

I'm at the Edge of My Emotions

Well I don't have much to update on but I thought I would anyway. What a great way to open a post and grab your attention right? But at least I'm honest.

Quick note, I'm at Panera Bread and they have amazing smoothies. The straws they give you are super obnoxious and massive but its ok because the smoothie is so darn tasty.

Anyway work is about the same...I start in the office Wednesday so that's fun. I'm excited to get to start something different. However, earlier this week i did make a HUGE mistake and cause quite a large problem. I might or might not have even cause they IRS to get involved...and by that I mean I definitely caused the IRS to get involved. YIKES! But thankfully because my boss likes me a lot I won't be in as much trouble as I could be in. It was a really small mistake but caused quite an interesting problem for us. My bad.

Things are good with the bf though which is always nice. Tomorrow we are going to dinner and a movie with a few close friends of mine so I'm excited about that. It will be really nice to be able to go out with them.

Well that was really all I had...I wasn't lying, I really didn't have anything to say. Hopefully next time I will have more...

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

Tell You the Truth I Prefer the Worst of You

So I love babies. Which is a good thing because they are everywhere! Everywhere I tell you! My sister just had her daughter. She looks a lot like my sister...especially when she gets mad. She's too cute.

Hayden Marie. Cute little thing. She was born Feb 28th 7lbs 11oz and 20 inches long. Sorry the picture isn't too good...its the only one I have right now and I took it with my phone. Hopefully soon though I will be able to post a better one. Shes a sweet little girl...doesn't cry too much. Well at least not right now. I'm sure she will start getting feisty soon. I mean with it being R's baby we know its only a matter of time haha.

On my way home from the hospital Sunday night I hit a deer with my car. I was driving down the highway at about 70 when I got it. I've got a nice bruise on my chest from the belt but that's it. My car didn't have any trace of even hitting it except for a patch of fur that was stuck to it. I'm all kinds of confused about that because I had NO time to brake and I hit it hard. I was able to swerve though so I only hit the back half of it. I'm sure if I hadn't swerved and hit it more straight on I'd basically have remodeled car and not in a good way. Deers are no joke. But I'm good and the car is good so that's cool. I don't know about the deer though...I didn't find it on the side of the road or anything but I'm sure I jacked it up pretty bad.

But that's about all I have to update on for now. I guess I will go find something productive to do or maybe take a nap before work.

Too bad you had to have a better half...