If I Die Young

Well for a long time I didn't have anything to update on but now I finally do. Kind of...

I'm no longer in school. Its nice. I dropped out so that I could join a fire department. So I will have training once a week and have tests and such. So I still get homework (boo) but it will be more interesting now (yay). The next program starts this fall so I haven't actually participated in anything yet. I've been to two classes to check it out though. In the first class they were dressed in full gear using the jaws of life on two cars to practice rescuing a patient. The second was in a classroom and we learned about bombs from a policeman on the bomb squad. I loved both classes. Very interesting and I cannot wait to start! My family was surprised by my sudden decision but I'm quite pleased with it.

On another note...I've been having a great time helping with NP guard. We have 8 right now. We did have 9 but just had one quit this past week. They are doing a lot better with learning faster which makes the staff quite happy to say the least. They got a little dramatic this past week though and I had to share words with a couple of them. But they are better now so I think we are good...for another few days that is haha.

Work is going pretty good. I just recently took a vacation so that was nice. I didn't go anywhere but it was a good break from the people there. I also switched my schedule around a bit this week to arrange 3 days off in a row. Love it. So I only have guard for the rest of my week. Love it? Yes.

Bury me in satin.
Lay me down on a bed of roses.
Sink me in the river at dawn.
Send me away with the word of a love song.

Maybe...

Well I finally have things to update on. Its about time.

My trip out of town was nice...when I got home some things came crashing down and I'm just lost. I don't really know what to do to be honest. I would be depressed if I could wrap my mind around some of the things that are going on. So before I get upset and remember that lets move on.

At work I got moved again. Not really to a new department or anything just to a new time. I was bumped up to morning office. So now on some days I get to be there at 6am and be blown away by a ridiculous amount of numbers. It takes three days of training (everything else in the store gets one day) I've already done two days and I have ten pages of notes for everything I have to do. I've never needed notes for any other job but daaaaaamn. Its crazy in there! But I'm glad...it reminds me that I occasionally do things right,

I'm also happy to be helping with NP color guard. I don't really know how long I will be there but its like the only thing that actually cheers me up. I've missed it a lot and I like the people involved so its nice to have that two nights a week to escape to. So I guess we will see how that goes...

If my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much.

She Says Forget What You Have to Do

Well not that much has been going on. Work has been interesting but boring too. I guess that's to be expected.

The issues with my boyfriend didn't clear up and we got into a huge fight. And that's all I have to say about that...

Last weekend me and Te went to see my favorite musical Wicked. We had a great time. It had been awhile since just me and her had been able to do something so it was nice.

I can't wait for tomorrow! After work I'm driving out of town to visit a friend who moved. I'm going to go and stay there for a couple days which will be nice. Too bad I don't get out of work until 8 and she lives a couple hours away but its totally worth it!

Well I hadn't posted for awhile so I thought I'd give a tiny update but now I need to get ready for work so I can get yelled at by old people. Wooooo. Gotta hate Tuesdays. I may post later this week if I have a chance.

Pretend there is nothing outside this room.

The Walls That You Helped Me Take Down

Well its been a bit since I've posted. Been busy with work and everything. Nothing has changed much and there's nothing exciting to add. I love working in the office at work. Its nice to be able to go in some days and not have to deal with people.

Having issues with my boyfriend though. I wont go into detail because I don't feel the need to on here, but hopefully it will clear up soon.

I decided to start playing the guitar...again. I stopped for awhile and then got a new one for Christmas. I thought that would motivate me because I really wanted to play again but I would always get bored easily. A few weeks ago I found my reason to keep me playing and I've been learning a lot of new songs. Its a good stress relief for me and its nice because a couple songs I don't even have to think about while I play and its relaxing. I also started writing songs again. Its another good stress relief. Now if only I could sing well then I'd be set!

I guess I will attempt to find something productive to do...for now anyway.

Are only getting taller now...

I Could Make You Happy You Know

Oh sometimes I'm not sure what the hell I've been thinking. I really miss the last person I recently dated several months ago. I never really mentioned it to many people...I guess because I always knew it would end bad. And don't get me wrong I'm very happy with the person I'm currently dating. Happier than I've been in a long time actually. The other person treated me really bad...and I don't miss them for that. We fought a lot and they did a lot of...not good things that really hurt me and I really needed to get away. I blew up on them finally and we got into a massive fight and I lost them even as a friend which is also a good thing because they couldn't get over us not dating. It just took a really bad toll on me and I see them all the time and they look like crap and I'm always still worried about how they are. I want to talk to them but I know I shouldn't because it always ends up with me playing defense and getting hurt. I just kinda fall apart every time I see them though. I don't in anyway want to date them again...but I don't know it still just hurts.

My bf knows about it some but I don't feel that its appropriate to discuss with him. He only knows about it at all because he knows the other person and saw us get into it once. I discuss it a little with Te and D but I feel like its not getting any better. D understands because she's gone through some shit but its awkward to talk about it. I just feel like I got so close to them like I lost something there and in a way I regret it but at the same time I don't at all. I want to hate them sometimes but I'd still do anything for them just because that's how I am. I hate it.

However, as I said I am very happy for the most part with everything else. My bf is great. He treats me great and we get along with each others families which I think is wonderful. I have two of the best friends I could ask for. They always know just what I'm thinking just by the look on my face which is nice because it saves time. haha. They know I smile to cover whatever I'm really thinking but I still try anyway...its useless though and they always call me out. I just wish I could let go of the other person. But they will be moving out of state soon so hopefully after that it will be easier. I guess we will see...

If you weren't already.

She's Like a Cat in the Darkness

Well this weekend was a bitch. I was yelled at more than usual by customers. Granted half of my job is to be yelled at by customers for other people's mistakes and be able to handle it in a professional way, but these past few days were too much. I don't know what my cashiers were doing to piss people off but they were doing a good job at it and I was getting all the heat for it. Usually I'm able to do what I do best, remember to smile no matter how angry or upset I get, but sometimes I can't. My meds make it hard to not show my emotions and being called a stupid blank blank blank retarded blank blank by customers can really get me fired up fast. I decided to edit what they really say...I don't know why...I guess just so I won't get mad now thinking about it. But I'm usually called a slur of curse words with stupid or retarded in the middle of it. How do I earn this title from them when I'm not even the one who messed up? Its very frustrating. The worst part is trying to respond to them in a calm manner when really I'd love to reach over and smack the hell out of them.

At least my boyfriend works in the same department so I always have someone I know will stand up for me when customers get too carried away with the yelling. I think I scared the poor boy yesterday. I was getting pushed too far by one customer who kept trying to get in my face. She used to work there about a year ago as one of my cashiers and was fired because she was always making customers angry because she has a bad attitude. Clearly she's not improved on that much. But I finally snapped and went off on her and my boyfriend had to come get me and then my store manager stepped in. He took my side in the argument and picked up where I left off. It was more of a tag team effort to get her out of the store. I'm pretty sure she's not allowed to come back. I try my best not to get shady with the customers and lose my temper but the good news is I never get in trouble when I do. Usually if they have pushed me that far its because they are crazy and security has to remove them from the building. Don't forget by the way I work in a grocery store....and yes to some people life's biggest battles go down there. Its freaking ridiculous. And slightly depressing.

I'm so tired of having people throw cheese balls, hand soap, pens, keys, or any other item within their reach at me. These are grown people too and they can't even settle a problem by talking calmly but by throwing items like a child in a tantrum. They are just making me tired.

But hopefully over the next few days I will get to deal with them less. Tonight I just get to chill as a cashier so I don't have to deal with as many shitty people. The next two days after that I get to hide in the office. Yay. Plus this Saturday I get the day off! Its a rare thing. I'm dragging my bf to Indy to watch winter guard. Isn't he lucky? lol. I haven't been able to go to any this year though so I'm excited to finally be able to catch one and its going to be finals so that's even better. Now if I can just get to the weekend without killing a customer...

And then she is the darkness...

I'm at the Edge of My Emotions

Well I don't have much to update on but I thought I would anyway. What a great way to open a post and grab your attention right? But at least I'm honest.

Quick note, I'm at Panera Bread and they have amazing smoothies. The straws they give you are super obnoxious and massive but its ok because the smoothie is so darn tasty.

Anyway work is about the same...I start in the office Wednesday so that's fun. I'm excited to get to start something different. However, earlier this week i did make a HUGE mistake and cause quite a large problem. I might or might not have even cause they IRS to get involved...and by that I mean I definitely caused the IRS to get involved. YIKES! But thankfully because my boss likes me a lot I won't be in as much trouble as I could be in. It was a really small mistake but caused quite an interesting problem for us. My bad.

Things are good with the bf though which is always nice. Tomorrow we are going to dinner and a movie with a few close friends of mine so I'm excited about that. It will be really nice to be able to go out with them.

Well that was really all I had...I wasn't lying, I really didn't have anything to say. Hopefully next time I will have more...

Watching the shadows burning in the dark

Tell You the Truth I Prefer the Worst of You

So I love babies. Which is a good thing because they are everywhere! Everywhere I tell you! My sister just had her daughter. She looks a lot like my sister...especially when she gets mad. She's too cute.

Hayden Marie. Cute little thing. She was born Feb 28th 7lbs 11oz and 20 inches long. Sorry the picture isn't too good...its the only one I have right now and I took it with my phone. Hopefully soon though I will be able to post a better one. Shes a sweet little girl...doesn't cry too much. Well at least not right now. I'm sure she will start getting feisty soon. I mean with it being R's baby we know its only a matter of time haha.

On my way home from the hospital Sunday night I hit a deer with my car. I was driving down the highway at about 70 when I got it. I've got a nice bruise on my chest from the belt but that's it. My car didn't have any trace of even hitting it except for a patch of fur that was stuck to it. I'm all kinds of confused about that because I had NO time to brake and I hit it hard. I was able to swerve though so I only hit the back half of it. I'm sure if I hadn't swerved and hit it more straight on I'd basically have remodeled car and not in a good way. Deers are no joke. But I'm good and the car is good so that's cool. I don't know about the deer though...I didn't find it on the side of the road or anything but I'm sure I jacked it up pretty bad.

But that's about all I have to update on for now. I guess I will go find something productive to do or maybe take a nap before work.

Too bad you had to have a better half...

Just Please Don't Name This

Well this weekend was interesting. I got into a big fight with one of my friends and pretty much ended that friendship. It sucks really bad and I'm upset but in a way it was probably a good thing. I won't go into detail on why that is but idk...I'm just going to assume that things work they way they do because it will be for the best.

Oh I have work tonight and I so don't feel like going. I'm working 5 to 12...which really means 5 to 1ish because we have to clean up after we close. Hopefully though it won't be too busy and then maybe we can get out by 1230. Plus I do get to close with one of my best friends so we should have fun anyway. I'm also off tomorrow so I guess that's a plus. I'm getting moved again as well. I'm moving up to the office. Which could go good or bad. It basically means they trust me dealing with A LOT of money. I don't think it will be too hard but at the same time it makes me a little nervous. Even though its not that hard it can be easy to mess something up. But I'm excited about it. I guess we will see how it goes.

Things with the boyfriend are good. We had an issue but its all good now. He made up for it on Valentines Day. =) Well its time to do something productive....or maybe just go to another website. Haha.

Please don't explain this.
Just blame it all on me.
Say I was shameless.

Picture Perfect Memories, Scattered All Around the Floor

Ok so I guess I can do some catching up. Things have calmed down a little bit for me which is nice. I'm hardly getting any sleep between going to school full time and working full time. It sucks really bad but it will pay off eventually right? It better because if not I'm beating someone.
As far as work goes not much has changed. Still butting heads with people but trying to do it in a nice way so I can come out on top. I'm still trying to work my way up...which is going slow but at least its not in reverse. Working at the service desk isn't as bad this time around because we have more people and the schedule is flexible so I'm not always stuck up there and I like the people I work with there. Well most days. They are training me on new things now which suck. I've been shown how to do one thing 3 times...two of the times were wrong so of course I have no faith in myself doing it the right way. Its not hard to do but it is very easy to make a simple mistake and usually deals with a large amount of money so I'd like to know how to do it right. But so far so good so I shouldn't complain.

My beloved car Bertha...aka the ugly greenish piece of shit I drove for 3 years is done. My little 95 Taurus couldn't make it any farther. But thank God for that! That junker broke down on me 9 times last year. I was like ok clearly its time to move on. But my parents wouldn't help me get a newer car so on one of Southern Indiana's beautiful freezing nights at 2 a.m. when it was snowing I broke down on the side of the road and had to walk 4 miles. NOT FUN! Then they got it fixed...again. I have no idea why. Two weeks later what happens? It breaks down on the side of the highway at 11 at night to again leave me freezing my ass off. But now I'm driving my moms old car. Her work gave her a new truck to drive. I have an '05 sonata with a remote control start. Why yes I am in vehicle heaven. It has leather seats so I'm all over the starter right now since its cold outside. And anyone who has been in a cold car with leather seats knows how that is. Plus I'm saving a lot of money on gas. Why didn't we do this lovely little trade sooner?

I'm excited about tonight. Me and Te, and D decided to throw ourselves a baking party. We are having it at D's house and her kids will be there which always adds a lot of fun. They are so goofy. It doesn't seem like it would be fun but it is. D usually thinks we hate going to her place because we can't talk about or do certain things (4 kids from a 15 year old with smart comebacks all the way down to a 4 year old who repeats everything you have to edit sometimes) but we actually have fun with all of them around. So we should have a good time tonight baking random things just because we feel like it. haha. Its random but what the hell.

I don't have much else to talk about...things are going ok with the person I'm seeing. Has issues and could be better but its still good for now. I guess I'm going to get off here and get some homework done...or maybe not. I haven't decided yet.

Reaching for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

I Tried to Think About Rainbows When it Gets Bad

Well school is back in session and I'm so broke I'm almost not broke. I have less than no money as a matter of fact. I think of having zero in my bank account and its a goal. But that's ok because I'm so stressed I just break into laughing which is healthy right?

Work is going good...so far. There are some people I wouldn't mind getting fired but hey I'm sure we all have that sometimes. I'm excited about school. In like two semesters I get to take a class called trauma. I just think it sounds exciting. Maybe I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy though.

Tomorrow I am going to a concert in town. Im pretty excited about it. I hang out with friends a lot but usually just at someones house...I don't like go out and get crazy. Get crazy yes but not usually in public. lol. Anyway it will be Flyleaf (my main reason for going. holy hell I'm so excited) 3 Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin. It should be pretty awesome.

I have a lot to update on but right now I'm busy and really need to write a paper so i guess I should get going and will do a full update later. Until then...

You got to think about something to keep from going mad.
I try to think about big fat roses
when the ship starts going down.
But my head is wicked jealous
don't want to talk about it right now.