You're Too Tired

Well the nosebleeds have stopped. I think. I had two more wicked ones after the post but I think I'm ok now. I keep hearing this insanely loud, high pitched sound though. I have no idea what it is, I started hearing it a little while after the first of those crazy nosebleeds and I heard it after every one of them. Now I just hear it without the bleeding, which I guess is an upgrade. But oh my gosh...its so high pitched and I honestly can't describe how loud it is. The first one I had actually took me to my knees because it hurt so bad. It still hurts just as bad but I'm starting to get used to it, or as used to it as I can get. I'm really just amazed at how loud it is. I mean the high pitched part sucks but it gets so loud I can't hear other things going on around me that I'd be able to hear just fine before it started. Its not like if you're ears are ringing a little after listening to something loud...its like...the most insane pressure being put on my head from every direction. I hope it stops soon. This would honestly drive me crazy.

I'm not excited at all about work this next week. With the exception that I get New Years Eve and the first off (I hope someone keeps me out of trouble lol) its basically going to suck. I don't get to work at all with my good friend Te. I get along with everyone else I work with, they just aren't as much fun. lol. When customers are around almost everyone gets too serious and dull, except like 4 people. Me, Te, KD, and one of our night managers who is freaking hilarious. But that manager I don't see much cause she's usually busy, and if I get to see KD its for a whole hour or so. That basically leaves the fun level up to me and Te to take care of. lol. So basically this will be a really dull week, until Saturday. Next Saturday me and Te work 7 and a half hour shifts together. Watch out. lol.

Everyone has their fun moments at work, some of them just think we have to stop enjoying our day because a customer is there. I just don't understand why anyone would stop smiling just because someone walks up for help or something. Its possible to help them and do whatever you have to and still smile and even have a fun conversation with a customer, that is assuming its not one of our pissy ones. Some people forget how to smile. There is one person that works there who I've seen smile once since I worked there and I think it was fake. I know she has some kind of issue and hurts a lot, like joint problems or something, but try finding someone there who doesn't have something like that. I feel sorry for her, don't get me wrong, its just you have to find a way to let yourself be happy no matter what is going on. When you forget how to even fake a smile, something is wrong. I know she doesn't like me, because she doesn't like anyone, but I kind of want to give her a hug. lol. Sometimes you just need a hug. She needs a hug...maybe a vacation and some down time to have a little fun, I don't know but she needs something. I always smile at her and say hi when I see her because usually if you smile at someone or say hi they will smile back but she just glares at me. lol. I'm not going to give up though. She'll smile back one of these days, probably a fake one though in hopes that I'll stop. A for effort?

Well it looks like its time for me to get some reading in before I go to bed. I have to get up early again for work in the morning.

You're not too tired.

Little Bit Lightheaded...

Yes, its Christmas, and I'm writing a post. My life is in fact that sad.

So watch out for posts about my obsession over Wicked. I got tickets from my mom to go see Wicked on tour in a nearby city. I had planned on going to Indy this summer to see it, as I mentioned in another post, but now I guess I'll just have to see it on tour twice this year. Damn that luck of mine. lol. I could just save my money and not go this summer since I will get to see it in like a month BUT I've already started on plans and promised some people...its not like a Wicked overdose is possible for me anyway. Especially if its live. AH I can't wait to go. Woo.

So, on a not so happy note my nose is going crazy on me. I keep having INSANE nose bleeds. Its not because its just cold and whatever, I do get nosebleeds from that but usually once a year and then I'm fine. Its kind of freaking me out. They are happening in fairly regular intervals right now, I've been timing them and its never just a little bit of blood. Sorry if anyone finds this gross, just skip this paragraph lol. But I can't even describe how much blood I lose each time. Last night I was in my room when one started and I darted to the bathroom...it took over half a roll of toilet paper to take care of it all. One started when I sneezed, another when I was laughing, and another while I was just sitting around. And before anyone feels like cracking a joke, no I'm not using cocaine. lol. But I've had the ones just from like the air being dry and stuff and those aren't this bad, these are like intense ones. Seeing blood doesn't bother me at all but watching that much blood and tissue pour out of my nose and mouth isn't very fun. The first time didn't bother me but now that it keeps happening and its the same amount every time...I uh...really think it needs to stop. I don't know what it is but I hope it just stops today because I don't need to have nosebleeds like these at work tomorrow (I don't need/want them at work at all but it would be bad if one as bad as these hit me) I guess we'll see how I'm doing when its time for the next round...

Well I guess I'm going to go read. I'm kind of tired and I'd really enjoy going to bed early (which would be in about 2 or so hours) but I'm scared if I do I'll wake up with a bloody nose again. Dang it. But I don't have to go to work until 430 tomorrow so I can sleep in if I want. I say that as if it would really disrupt any other day, when I can only sleep in until 8. I could go to sleep at 7 45 and I swear I'd wake right back up at 8. No matter how hard I try I can't sleep in. Its a bunch of crap. lol. But on other days I'm up around 6 - 630ish so 8 is nice.

Oh shit I have to sneeze...

Idk My BFF AB? (ha)

Well I'm in a great mood. My surprise went perfect. lol. I love giving people things and seeing them smile. It just makes me feel all warm inside knowing I put a smile on their face. lol. So I'm bored and you get to hear about how the surprise went down. lol.

My best friend, who by the way I never get to see anymore, had a practice tonight so I decided to drop by at the end unannounced. We haven't seen each other for a long time and it sucks really bad. We talk a lot on the internet though so that's nice...at least there is some kind of communication going on. Last night she was telling me she was having a bad day and the past 5 months had been really hard and frustrating for her. I decided I should brighten it up a little. Its my job. I got off work at 7 tonight and decided to go ahead and go pick up her Christmas gift and deliver it to her early as a surprise. (we weren't going to be able to hang out until after Christmas) So I went to the mall and checked around a few stores. My search came to an end at Kay's Jewelers. I picked her out a beautiful diamond circle necklace that was white gold. Together, the necklace and the warranty cost me more than one pay check. Ouch! But I wanted to get her something nice and she's worth it anyway.

So when I got to the school they were having practice at, I waited outside for her in the ridiculous cold. lol. Damn locked doors. But after they were done and she saw me she can running and let me in and gave me a big hug. So I'm thinking well damn if that's all I had to do to make you happy I'm keeping this necklace. lol jk. But she was excited to see me and really excited that I brought her gift early. She liked it a lot so that like made my whole month. I've been thinking about getting that necklace, or one similar to it, for awhile and I've been worried she wouldn't like it. I was very relieved to see her smile when she saw it. I just love making people smile. And even though I could have really used that money for other things, seeing her smile and making her happy after she'd been kind of down makes me totally not care.

I just love making people happy. After Meg kicked us out of the school (lol) we sat in her car and talked for about 40 minutes. I made her snort and cry from laughing. lol It was fun. That used to be a daily thing for us. I'd speak and she'd be grabbing her stomach cause it would hurt from laughing. Then I'd start cracking up because of her insane snort. lol. Oh I won't lie...she can make me very angry sometimes, and she does things I don't understand and I know I do the same to her, but I love that kid. She really is a great friend. To some people not so much lol but to me she is. She keeps me in line. And ooooh do I need to have someone to do that. lol

All Over the Place

Well over the past week I was stabbed in the back by someone I knew better than to trust again. She did it right in front of me and just left me speechless. Its my own fault for not seeing that one coming.

Usually I would have lost my temper and even though we were around a bunch of friends I would have went off on her. However, instead I smiled and ignored it for the time being, and my other friends were looking at me like 'why aren't you doing anything?' But I took care of it the next day when it was just me and the girl who I won't name. lol. Much to my surprise I didn't lose my temper but I did get a true apology out of her. I won't explain the situation but I shouldn't have dropped it there. After she said sorry and all I just said ok lets forget it. Trust me, if she would have done this to another girl they would have flipped out on her. This is the only time anyone has ever been lucky for backstabbing me instead of someone else. lol. But I partly blame myself, I should have known better.

Next subject...lol. I have a lot of mixed feelings about where I work. I know no job will ever be perfect, or at least not every day. I do like most of the people I work with. I really do, and I believe I have mentioned this before, idr, but we get along great. I've made some fun friends and I look forward to going to work if I know they will be working that day. However, I am constantly amazed by the customers. I just can't believe some of the people I deal with act the way they do. I get into arguments defending myself every day! What the hell? I'm a flipping cashier at a grocery store. Why should I have to defend myself for anything I do? But I do. They get angry because a price is too high, or they've bought too much, or they forgot their pin number for something and they find a way to get pissed at me. Its my fault because I obviously price everything in the store, I didn't know their budget so once they've gone over its now my fault and I look like the ass (somehow) and I rang up their order so now that they forgot their pin for a card its magically my fault.

I actually had to call someone else over once to finish a transaction because I couldn't deal with the customer any more. They started yelling at me for the prices being different on different brands of the same thing (surprised?) and then because of something with their check, I don't remember it exactly, and I forget, lol there was something else. I can usually deal with the person if they are going off but oh my gosh. I was about to snap. I really thought I was going to hit them. I just called one of my friends over because she is really patient and never gets angry, or so I thought. I just kind of strolled off while she handled them. I walked back over after they had left and my friend was really mad. I was amazed someone actually made her not smile. She deals with the angry customers returning stuff or complaining about prices all day so she is used to rude people and can usually tune them out but I guess something about this person kind of crossed her line. Which I can totally understand.

I deal with ridiculous people everyday, it surprised me to see how rude some people are to cashiers for no reason at all. I do get some fun customers though. They are nice and joke around with me and I look forward to those people. However, they are few and far between. I think part of the reason for that is the area the store is in. Thankfully though I like the people I work with. If I didn't, I would have transferred to the west side by now because its closer to my home and I need to save gas. But I like the people I work with, they are worth the waste of gas.

Well its time for me to get ready for work. Three of my favorite people there are working today so I'm excited to go. lol. Plus I get off at seven and I'm planning on surprising a friend tonight. =)

Continue

In addition to my last blog just had a quick note because some people seem to be confused. That was not a joke. I know that my original choice of a major is kind of far fetched, or so it seems for someone like me, but you don't understand. That is honestly like my passion. I'm immediately enthralled by anything that has to do with the brain and I think it would be freaking awesome to get to work on it. Once I have my goals set on something I get it. If I wanted to continue on that path to get that degree I would have been able to. And though I most likely would have been bitching about some of the classes I would have loved them anyway because any time I learn about things like that I get excited. I just love it. I sit in libraries sometimes reading books about it. I really do. I don't know what it is but for some reason when I start reading about the nervous system or something related to it at all I have to keep reading. After I'm done with that I'll spend an hour or more Googling it so I can read more and then I'll go look for another book if I have time. Everything about it really captivates me and to go to school for something like that would have been like a dream come true, minus the bills after I got out.

So, yes, I really did, and in some ways still do, want to pick that as my major. Think whatever the hell you want on whether or not I could have got to the end, I don't care because the answer is yes. The only reason I'm not majoring in it now is because I already chose a major. There are parts of it that interest me as well, and I think it fits better with my personality. I would be happy with either choice. But again, I have a goal right now to get a degree in social work so I'm going to reach my goal. And I'm going to be one of few friends actually excited about their major who won't regret their decision after graduation. So maybe its not they highest paying job, I don't care. Its a rewarding job and that's enough. Plus I have some tricks up my sleeve to take care of that money issue. And no it doesnt include robbing anything. Just wait...

Too Late to Turn Back

I don't know what it is about my car but I think a lot when I drive. lol I feel like I'm always driving somewhere. Usually by myself. Its nice...I like driving, but sometimes I waste too much time thinking about certain things. And other things I ignore completely. lol

Today I realized why my parents were pissed I chose social work. lol. Any one want to take a stab at guessing what my major was going to be? I don't know how many people actually know this other than my family but I wanted to be a surgeon. I know, I know, dumb ginger kids can't be surgeons. And I know people always have unrealistic dreams of what they want to be when they grow up, a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, and the occasional stripper. But I honestly have this insane fascination with it. More importantly I have an obsession with the brain. I would have settled for any kind of surgeon but my ultimate goal was to be a neurosurgeon. I'm amazed by the brains functions, the way it can fix itself in some cases, and the way it can destroy itself in others. I know there is like a shit ton of school to go through but honestly it would be worth it in the end...at least to me. So yes, I can understand how this would be a slightly disappointing change in direction. But they still should have supported me.

I didn't change majors because I thought it would be easier. I didn't change majors because social work interests me more because in all honesty it doesn't. I know I could have gotten through the classes to become a surgeon. I have a ridiculous drive and enthusiasm about it. I can't put it into words why I chose social work over my original choice. I want to be able to change people's lives. Another reason I wanted to be a surgeon...to try to help people. However, I decided I'd rather try to help change another aspect of a person's life. I want to help people help themselves. I want to help people find a way to raise their lives to a higher level so they can be happier. I argue with myself, almost everyday over my choice. Its hard. Its hard because I love neurology. But I also love seeing a person smile because someone offered a helping hand to change their everyday life. I keep telling myself I've made the right choice, and I don't plan on changing it. But damn, sometimes I swear I'm going to go to my advisor and switch. But I won't. I've made a decision, and I'm going to stay with it.

Its no real shocker to me on which one I chose. I mean to my friends I'm always offering help and trying to do everything I can to make their lives better. I'm not performing surgeries on them. lol. To a lot of my friends though I am the go to person. People come to me all the time for advice, someone to make them laugh and distract them, or just someone to vent to. I'm one of few people that will actually sit and listen instead of trying to relate people's problems to something that doesn't have anything to do with the situation. I can't help but want to help people. I love seeing people smile and I think everyone deserves a fair chance at happiness.

By the way I find it interesting that I'm amazed by the brain when in reality I am supposed to be mentally retarded. That's not a politically incorrect joke, I had a rare disease when I was young that almost killed me (it attacked my brain and nervous system) and the doctors said I wouldn't live a normal life. Now that I actually wrote that out and thought about it, I'm betting that's actually what sparked my interest in the brain. Or not hell I don't know. Don't judge the ging. lol.

Remembering How to Smile

So, the new little quote I added at the top comes from my favorite musical Wicked. Of course. Show of hands for who is shocked by this? lol. For anyone who isn't familiar with the musical or that part, its being sung from one friend to another (the amazing singing team of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth of course! Who by the way is my favorite Glenda. She's hilarious.) Anyway, I love that quote. It really applies to some of my friendships. Not all, but a few. So thats why I added it at the top, I have awesome friends. lol.

Anyway I'm sitting with the fabulous CH at Starbucks on campus. We are having lovely heart to heart conversations while blogging and writing emails to random people. lol. We've known each other for so long we really are like family. She's like a year older than me but I see her more like my little sister. I guess that might be because I'm like 6 or 7 inches taller. lol. She's all pocket sized and cute. lol. So anyway our level of amazingness is at an all time high. Its important that people know that. lol. She's a great person....but some people don't realize it. I don't know how they don't see it...

I don't have much to say I guess...I love the quote, CH made my day, my bf made my day yesterday, AB made my day...for tomorrow. lol. I have the coolest people in my life...minus a few, lol. I'm so nice.

Alive and Well

Well I'm in a fabulous freaking mood. The past few days have been great. I've been so amazed by people this week I don't even know what to say. People I hardly talked to few months ago have stepped back into my life and been great. They have taken the places of those 'friends' that I recently removed from the picture. I've spent a lot of time hanging out with them and I'm just in a great mood all the time. I'm sad that the old friends I had pulled me away from them because now I've missed a lot of time. I hope to make up for it though. They've helped me take my last step up. While I may still be very, very upset about...stuff and angry about some other things...I think I'm free. I'm done with my depression. I think. lol. Idk feel great. I'm happy like all the time again. The only thing I'd change is that I'd like to move out of my house...but other than that I wouldn't really change much. I still hate being home because I still put up with bullshit but I'm home less now because of my schedule so I'm around it less.

I've met some great people at work recently. I don't usually look forward to going to work because, well its work lol, but they always brighten my day. My customers...not so much. lol. Most of them are nice and I've already got regulars who like me enough to come to me when they are in the store. But there are also a lot of customers who can push my buttons really, really good! Thankfully I work with a bunch of goofy people and we all get along great so even if a customer pisses me off I can turn around and talk to a friend who will cheer me back up. They are all a lot of fun and my managers are a riot so we usually have fun.

I thought it was something I was doing that was still holding me in my depression. I think this week is when I finally realized it was just who I was surrounding myself with. People who treated me like crap kept me in it. I've not done anything different...except hang out with a few different people and suddenly I'm so much happier. I've actually been able to sleep. Its nice. I didn't realize how much I missed it. lol. I'm so less stressed about everything. I could get used to this...