They Follow the Pattern of the Wind Ya See

WOW! I am so behind on posting. Things have been crazy!

My sister's apartment flooded and they are being forced to move out. When it flooded though the carpet cleaning company found mold in the walls. Which the management knew about but they tried to cover it up but now someone found them. So they are saying its my sister and her husband's fault even though it was there before they moved in. N called their head office and they said that it was their fault too. They also closed off their apartment with all of their things in it. They tore down some of the walls and now its like a damn death wish to walk through there. But we went in to get their stuff yesterday. We wore masks but we had to constantly go outside to breathe. I went without my mask for about 5 minutes and almost passed out. It was crazy. But it took us about 10 hours to get everything packed up and moved out. It started raining though and it was FREEZING! Holy cow it was terrible. Imagine trying to carry heavy furniture up a slippery ramp on a moving truck. Not fun! I totally feel like shit today but that's ok at least we got their stuff out of that place.

But since they refuse to admit it was their fault we have our own plans. We've taken pictures of the damage they did and today N will be calling the health dept. in. After that the head office will get another call from us and if they still refuse to work with us, our lawyer comes in and so does the news station. We usually wouldn't try to do that and blackmail someone but they are going to end up tearing down nearly a whole building and billing N for it. So I guess now we will see what happens.

I'm excited about starting a new year. This year wasn't that great. Plus there are all kinds of new family members one their way. Woo! Plus New Years Eve is always full of fun activities. ;)

Oh snap did I mention I have started seeing someone? I don't think I have since I haven't been on here much lately but uh...they are pretty great. But then again thats what everyone thinks when a relationship starts lol. But really everything is going good so far and we are both happy. Hopefully it will stay that way.

Time to get ready for work...and finish making plans for tonight. =) WOO! I hope everyone has a great New Years! STAY SAFE!

'Cause they got no place to be

Je veux ton amour

OH LORD!

Too many things are going on! I'm trying to get everything under control but its not really working. I'm not sleeping good or even eating much at all. I have lost about 20 pounds so far. Hopefully soon I can switch to losing it in a more healthy way.

In other Ginger news...I had a fantastic weekend. Well really only Saturday. I went to a party with some people at work. We had a great time and I really needed a good laugh. But I didn't leave until like 4 and I had to work at 730 the next morning so Sunday...not as much fun. But it was so worth it!

I'm looking forward to tonight. We should have a great business meeting. After the meeting I'm going to pull another sleepless night like Sunday morning. A coworker of mine is very ill and we are doing a bake sale Friday to try to raise money to support her. So me and a few other employees are baking tonight...but they dont get off until midnight. AHH. And I work at 8 in the morning. AHHH! But its for a good cause so I don't mind. I just hope we are able to raise more money for her.

I actually had a reason for this post but its long gone now. My memory isn't good for shit anymore. I guess I will just do another if it comes back to me.

Et je veux ta revanche

Last Name, Ever

Well some parts of my life are getting a little interesting again. Finally.

As for work I'm going back to the service desk. I don't want to because their scheduling sucks but S (who I had issues with about the schedule last time I worked up there) was treating me like I was stupid. So I'm going back up to prove that I'm not stupid and she's just a bitch. =)

Some people are really pissing me off with he said she said bullshit. Let's grow up children. Its called Karma by the way...as in if you are a bitch it will kick your ass and if you are generous you will be rewarded. So instead of being shady try to do something nice for someone and do it with a freaking smile like you mean it.

As far as my meds go I ran out and need a refill because my arm is getting a little crazy on me. However, it has kind of been nice. Its like an emotional vacation because I can control my temper better off the medication. That's sad in a funny way.

I am much happier right now though. Not due to the lack of meds and anger control issues, but just because I'm getting better with things. Its a slow process that I don't feel like discussing on here but its been nice and something I SERIOUSLY needed. Maybe I can actually sleep tonight. I have also been losing weight which is nice. For awhile it seemed like no matter what I did I couldn't get it to go down. It didn't go up...just wouldn't go down. But I've lost about 21 pounds right now. Hopefully I can keep the ball rolling.

That's all I have for now. nothing too exciting but its getting a little different for me. I'm ready to put the past behind and move to better times.

First name, Greatest.

Close Your Eyes but Don't Dream too Deep

Well I haven again been MIA for quite awhile now. I don't know why but I just haven't been posting. I guess I will throw out some updates...

I forgot about my speeding ticket...NOT GOOD! My court date is coming up and I forgot to take my damn alive at 25 class. I am signed up for one though. But most likely my license will be suspended until I take that class which will be about 3 weeks. That's so not cool because I live a good 35 minutes from work. My bad. But maybe I will get lucky and they won't suspend it since I am signed up for a class. But my court date is on Friday the 13th...so I've already accepted that I'm totally screwed.

On the brighter side Friday is also my nephews first birthday!!! I'm so excited. Tomorrow I am going to go buy his gift. Its a table that does counting and ABC's and such things that will most likely drive his parents crazy until the batteries die but hey that's what aunts are for. =) Saturday we are having his party which is themed around the Backyardigans. If you haven't watched the cartoon, you shouldn't. haha. The songs will get stuck in your head and you will totally sing them at work. You have been warned! But I must say watching him dance to the songs is pretty entertaining. There he is at a pumpkin patch. Cute little guy. He's getting good at posing for pictures...I guess when your mother is a photographer you get used to it pretty quick.

Uh random updates now because I'm bored...
-I'm doing this post because I locked myself out of my car and Te had to drop me off at my sister's place and now I can't go anywhere. Tomorrow I'm making two new copies of my key to give Te and D because obviously I'm not smart enough to bring my keys with me.
-I hurt my back wicked bad at work last night and couldn't hardly move for like 2 hours. That was some bullshit.
-I got super excited about Christmas and helped decorate our store. Its sad though because we are poor so we don't have nice decorations. We could buy more but when we do they just get stolen.
-Two nights ago a guy (who was clearly on something) came into work with a gun and was freaking out on me and a new girl. She about started crying because she thought we were going to die while I was trying to negotiate with him. Finally he left and went to Taco Bell to harass them for a cup of Sprite. He was crazy.
-DJ Hero is a damn fun game. Me and Te were playing it at a store and I about bought the game system and the game right there. haha. Good fun.

Well that's all I have for now. I will try not to wait so long before updating again...but we'll see.

And please pass me some memories.

I Can Laugh All I Want

Well I have been MIA for awhile. But I'm back finally with some updates...nothing too exciting though.

The medicine I'm on is really frustrating me. As I've said it can make me quite irritable and its like as soon as I find out how to control that and get a good balance something random happens and I lose my temper. Its just annoying, but I'm getting better at it...slowly.

A couple weeks ago I went out of town for a business meeting. I had a great time. I went with some people I have made through the business. We went to Kansas City (it was freezing!) and we all kind of got closer as friends. Idk it was really nice. Because we would wake up and have breakfast together which I enjoyed just because it almost makes it like a little family. But we are all a little closer now which is good because we will be able to help each other more. While we were on our little trip I lost my license. NOT COOL! Most people know I drive a lot...I spend a nice portion of my day in my car. I've been without it for 11 days now haha. I'm going to go get a new one today before I go to work though. It makes me all paranoid when I drive now. But that will be fixed soon.

As far as work goes...nothing special is happening. I'm still getting some compliments on training and talking to my store manager more to help me move up. Thankfully though I don't have to kiss his ass or anything because he's a nice guy and has always liked me...I just try to find him more so we can talk. I know a higher position is opening up soon and I'm always wanting to mention it but I get nervous. But tomorrow I will work with him for a good 6 hours so hopefully I can work up the nerve to bring up the topic. I really need to say something soon though before he starts looking at other people.

That's all I have for now as far as updates go...not too exciting I know but that's my dull life. Until next time...

Inside I am still empty. So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me off guard.

If You Come From Under That Water

It got me. I got sick. Ain't that about a bitch? lol. I don't mind too much though...it sucks having a sore throat when I'm forced to talk all day at work but it makes me have a funny laugh so at least there is something fun with it. I sound like I have been smoking for 40 years though which is not much fun but again the laugh really makes up for it.

As far as my head stuff goes with my medicine...yeah idk. Its a bit of a mess now but not something I'm posting here. Its helping but at the same time making new problems. It sucks but eventually I will find a good balance. Hopefully. I have slept a total of 6 and a half hours the past 4 days. I'm so freaking tired but thought it was time for an update. Work has kept me crazy busy this week. Today was ridiculous. It was busy as hell and I had several people go off on me. Plus with my meds making me even more irritable than usual I wore down pretty quick.

However, I was complimented by a few people which made everything a lot better. (Feel free to skip this, its just boring shit about work) A good friend of mine, Ms. T, along with the store manager and co manager repeatedly let me know today that I had done a great job training the new people. I know that doesn't sound like much but that boosted me up a lot in their eyes. Usually only two people train the new employees...one (Ms. T) has been there since the 80's and the other has been there about 6 or so years I think. Next week will be my one year mark. But Ms. T trains the most and really sticks to the manual so to get several compliments from her on it meant a lot to me. I've trained 3 people in the last week and I really impressed my store manager because so far they are all doing really well. Don't get me wrong, I have bigger life plans than climbing the chain at a grocery store, but I like to do my job well. Plus I look for promotions because extra money is nice and I enjoy the added responsibility. So even though I don't plan to stay there forever, I'd prefer to gain a higher position (which I hope to be somewhat close to).

I guess you'd have to work there to fully understand the kind of compliment it is to be asked to train people. It really helped me take a bigger step towards a new position because it showed that I am very knowledgeable. Since training those 3 people the store manager and several other employees higher than me have started acting different. I mean they were always nice and we've always gotten along but now they act more like they respect me and ask my opinion on things and idk its strange. haha. They even give me some random manager tasks occasionally. Idk its just strange and this has all happened within the last 4ish days, but I'm very thankful for it and I welcome all the odd ways they act because its helping me get farther. Like I said it elevated me to them and I've really been trying to find something to help me make a leap like that and apparently training was what I needed. I know it doesn't seem like much from the outside but this is great for me. And I really needed some good news and this was perfect. Now we just have to see if I can find something else to accomplish to give me that final boost.

Then there's fresh air. Just breathe baby God's got a blessing to spare. Yes I know the process is so much stress. But it's the progress that feels the best

Well I Trip Over Everything You Say

Well its time for an update. So far the meds have helped. I haven't had any of my episodes and it has decreased the twitching. However, when I do twitch its very violent and will last for about half an hour. I also get really bad headaches and have noticed personality changes. I was told I could increase my dose after 2 weeks if I thought I needed to. I think I will in a few days. Hopefully the twitching will end completely if I up it just a little. I'm hoping the headaches are just because I'm not used to it. If they continue or get worse after I increase the dose I will change meds. As for the personality part...it sucks that its changing but I can't help it. I will find a balance with it eventually and hopefully be back to myself soon. I don't feel like describing the way my personality has changed on here though...idk. I guess it bothers me that's its messing with me.

Thankfully though Te and D have still been there to support me. They are watching me closely just in case something happens. Plus the new headaches from the meds can really get sometimes. They can be dull and last long or they can be really quick and sharp. A few have taken me to me knees because they've been so painful and sudden. But they are already happening less so I'm hoping I just needed to get used to the medicine. But I'm usually around either Te or D so they always check on me. But if the headaches don't stop soon I'm not taking it anymore. I'm not going to take meds to get rid of one problem only to get another. So I guess we will see in a few days.

It appears that I have amazed myself again. I was playing (yes playing like a damn 5 year old child) with some liquid paper white out stuff at work. I decided to uh...decorate something with it. lol. In the process I got some on my hand and found out just how fast it dries. So I decided that since it was already dried I would just worry about it later and continue my little project. Later that night I used some soap my dad gets from his work. It takes like EVERYTHING off your hands. Except liquid paper. The combination gave me a chemical burn. Ain't that about a bitch? Lol. It didn't hurt too bad. I've been putting burn stuff on it and wrapping my hand. But seriously WTF? A chemical burn from washing liquid paper off? I was like this is some bull. Its funny but its ridiculous. Its already much better than it was at first so that's nice. I promise that would only happen to me or my mom. Random stuff like that always happens to her.

Well that's all I have for now. I need to get to bed because I have to be up in 3 hours for work. I didn't leave work tonight until 1 this morning and I took an early shift for Saturday so I could go cheer on some friends at their band competition. I'm going to be so dead tomorrow.

I just wanna break you down so badly.

This is Not the You I Know

Well I'm done with my tests. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of medicine used for seizures. I'm not having seizures...but he said that those meds would work for it. Basically the damaged area of my brain just gets irritated and acts up some. But the meds should take care of it all. They have some bad side effects though that deal with like personality changes. That's not cool but I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. At least for now I have a solution. I'm just praying its the right one and I can go to my follow up in a few months without complaints.

That's really the only thing going on right now. I'm just glad to have that stress gone for the most part. It will still be there for awhile until we see if my medication messes with me or not. I'm really looking forward to the marching band competitions this fall. I can't wait to cheer my friends on. I'm sad this is their last year though...time passes too fast sometimes.

Damn I wish I could sleep for days...

This isn't real, it's just all you can feel.

All My Complaints Shrink to Nothing

Yesterday I finally got some answers. That was exciting. Well kind of...it was also slightly disturbing I guess. My neurologist, Dr. R, told me I have brain damage. That's fun. The damage was caused by viral encephalitis which I had when I was 1. It should have killed me or left me mentally handicapped for the rest of my life but thankfully I've been just fine with the exception of whats going on now so I consider myself very lucky. Even though Dr. R is positive that's what it is I have to do a couple more tests to make sure before he starts me on medication. I have another EEG in about two weeks to check my brain activity while I'm sleeping. I also have to get an MRI Monday so he can see how big the damaged area is.

This was the first time I met Dr. R. We discussed my previous tests and he said I didn't have much to worry about. After we do these tests I have to start taking medicine for seizures. I'm not having seizures, but he said a small dose of it will fix my problem. I'm still nervous and kind of unsure about it all but I believe this neurologist will get it figured out and it will all end soon. I guess just the thought of having brain damage and not knowing how large the area is bothers me. I mean obviously I can function normal but I'm just curious. It is nice to finally have some kind of answer but...I don't really know how to fully describe what I think about it all. Oh well...I guess we'll just see what happens and if my doctor is right.

I'm ashamed of all my somethings.

I'm Scared of What You'll Say

Well I'm back from Florida. I had a great time but got a pretty good sunburn on my last day there. It hurts but it was worth it. We spent most of our time shopping in the little beach stores and enjoying the beautiful weather on the beach. We did get to enjoy a nice little tropical storm that took out our power for awhile but it was late at night/early morning so it didn't interrupt our day. But for the most part we had a pretty good time.

I had a few issues down there with my arm and head. One time was really bad and kind of scary. I see my new neurologist Thursday. I'm curious to see what he will want to do next.

I should have more to say about my trip but right now I don't. I'm starting to get one of my headaches which isn't good. It kind of hit me out of nowhere. I'm going to go lay down and maybe tomorrow I will actually give details on what we did on the trip.

And so I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

You Comepletely Know the Power That You Have

Ok so I should be sleeping but I'm not. I wanted to do a quick update before I leave for Florida.

We finally got the EEG back on Wednesday. It came back normal. I'm disappointed. I mean its great news because that means its not seizures and I can still drive, but its just frustrating. I just want them to figure it out and be done. On the 27th I meet my new neurologist. I hope I like him and he knows his stuff so we can get this show on the road. Though I am still concerned about it I'm going to try to relax this week on my vacation. I'd prefer not to worry or even think about it much while I'm burning in the beautiful Florida sun. (That makes it sound like that state has a different sun than us...but I guess you know what I mean.)

I have to be up in about 4 and a half hours and here I am. haha. I'm stoked and have too much energy to sleep. Plus I have been closing a lot at work so my sleep schedule is on thirds shift which is not much fun. I'm driving my sister R's SUV down. I've already decided she won't be getting it back. haha I love it. I'm all about SUVs. She has an '05 (I think) Trail Blazer. She can pry the keys from my cold, dead fingers. lol. But I guess I should get going. I need to check everything again to make sure I'm all set and then try to fall asleep asap which won't happen. I'll be sure to post when I get back and maybe even put up a few pictures of my burnt self. =)

The only one that makes me laugh.
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that
I love you beyond the reason why and it just ain’t right

Why Am I So Curious?

I love my friends. I don't know where I'd be right now without them. All my friends have been great but Te and D get me out of bed every day. With the stress of everything thats going on and some other things I just don't want to get out of bed sometimes. I want to just lay in the dark and be alone but then I get some random text that they just stepped in dog crap or tripped over a shadow and have to laugh. They've also been great about watching over me. I've lost a little weight recently because I haven't been eating. I'm not really sick...I just don't want to. I've been like this for about 2 weeks. I only eat because I know I should but I can hardly choke food down. Its hard to tell myself to eat of I'm not hungry because usually that would be bad but if I haven't ate for a day and a half I know I need something. But Te and D have been taking care of me and making sure I eat at least a little something if I'm working. I love those girls.

I'm waiting on my test results from my EEG. I'm really hoping they call Monday. They said it would take about a week and that would be a week exactly so I'm going to be staring at my phone all day. But for now I will just try to keep busy and let the days past as fast as they can.

I only have to work 5 more days and then I will be getting sunburns on the lovely beaches of Florida! I'm stoked...I need this vacation bad. Its going to be amazing. Hell yes. Sleep is also amazing and I think I need to go refresh my memory on what that is right now.

This territory is dangerous. I'll probably end up back at start. I'll be back in line with my broken heart.

Don't Ask Me What's Wrong

TGIF! This week has kind of sucked. But some parts have been kind of great. How does that happen?

I haven't posted for awhile because I haven't had anything new. My neurologist FINALLY sent over the results to my doctor so we can figure out where to go next. That only took her over two weeks. I mean seriously wtf she had them for two weeks but wouldn't send them over and it put everything to a stop. But now I have an EEG scheduled for Monday. I'd usually wish for a normal result but I kind of want something to show up so I can know whats going on. Time to play the waiting game again.

I've been looking forward to today all week. I have the day off (WOO) and I'm going to a great party tonight. We decided that we are long overdue for a crazy night. Even if we just sat and did nothing me, Te, and D would have a great time but when you toss in a few other people we know its going to be ridiculous. Plus there is a lot of food involved so we are all excited about that too. haha.

Now I need to go pick up my check, run a few places, and find something productive to waste my time on until the party. =)

Ask me what's right and I'ma tell you what's life.

You're the Echoes of My Everything

Oh I have all kinds of things to discuss! Not really but I do have a little bit. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Last weekend was amazing! Me and KL went to a concert and it was crazy fun. 25,000 people packed into an outdoor music center. We made a cool friend from Ft Wayne who sat next to us. She was fun and it was nice to sit next to someone who wasn't too shy to branch out and party with a total stranger haha. Oh concert people are great. Our hotel was only about 20 miles away from the place where the concert was but after it got out it took us 2 hours to get home. I was about to go crazy. But it was all fun and I'm glad I was able to go. Good times.

Now lets discus my sister R. About 2 weeks ago she moved to St. Louis. Then she found out she was pregnant. Last Friday (or Thursday whatever idr) she moved back. As you can imagine...we are in for a roller coaster. Her boyfriend has been very excited so that's good that he won't be disappearing on her or something. He's also been absolutely terrified because he knows his chances of being shot by my dad just got a lot higher. This will get interesting...

As for me I'm on my own little crazy ride. Yesterday I had my first appointment with Dr. L the neurologist. I had tests run on nerves and muscles in my arm. I got stuck with some needles and shocked a little. Naturally I giggled the entire time. lol. I couldn't help it. The shocks kind of hurt but they almost tickled at the same time. It was just odd. As soon as the test was done Dr. L was able to give me the results which was awesome because I thought I'd have to wait for them to call me later. Unfortunately, my nerves and muscles are fine. I was really hoping she would find something wrong in my arm. Since the problem is not in my arm that means its in my brain. I'm trying not to think about it much. I'm trying to think that its just going to be something simple and its all fine. I can't help but worry knowing something isn't right up top. I also wouldn't worry much if my family doctor had responded a little different but she is quite concerned and is rushing some results and getting me into tests quick. Idk its just all ridiculous.

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

Its Like a Dream

Well I went and saw my doctor Monday. They have a few guesses so far. I didn't see my actual doctor but I did get to see his assistant (who is freaking amazing I seriously don't know how she is so smart.) Her main focus is seizures. Which would suck really bad. They are running some tests my blood but I'm waiting for those results. Next Monday I have to take off work because I have to go see a specialist. That doctor (Dr.L) is going to run a muscle and nerve test on my right arm. Then I have to make an appointment for some seizure tests.

I'm so not thrilled about this whole deal. I am glad to be moving closer to an answer but knowing I could be having seizures makes me nervous. I mean I had thought of it before talking to my doctor...but I guess having her bring it up moves it more to the front of everything.

But I have a fun weekend planned. Me and little KL are heading to Indy for a concert Friday. Woo! So I get Friday and Saturday off. I guess I will wait to start worrying until Monday about that other stuff. Time to get ready for work.

No end and no beginning.

Don't Waste Your Time on Me

WOW I haven't posted in damn near forever.

The good news is you haven't missed anything. haha. My life is so boring....but I guess lets do an update...

I was impressed because my car didn't break down this month. Usually around the 18th-20th each month it decides not to start for whatever reason. I guess I got lucky.

I've been working a lot as always and going out with friends. I'm really loving these summer nights! Nothing has really changed at BL...of course. We have some new people and lost some others. Some people like me there a few hate me. I don't really care. I wasn't really that shy before working there but oh my I am really outgoing now! Love it.

My personal business is growing. Its growing slowly but any progress is great. I'm still quite optimistic and very excited about it. I'm really hoping to speed up my progress over the next month. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Tomorrow I get to call my doctor's office and see if I can get an appointment sometime soon. I have a twitch thing in my arm and its getting a lot worse. It doesn't hurt or anything its just really freaking annoying. I've had it since 7th grade and never done anything about it. I don't think its something that can be really easily fixed because I don't know how easy it will be to pinpoint the problem. I don't care if it gets fixed or not really...all I want is an answer for why my arm jerks up all the time. I almost smacked D the other day because of it. I couldn't help it, she was standing next to me and it just jerked up. Sometimes I can feel it coming and try to hold that arm down to stop it but a lot of times it comes out of no where and the whole arm yanks up. I hope they have an answer for me...if they do I'll update on it.

As for now...I'm pretty sure I'm going to go pass out. I've stayed up until 3 or 4 the past few days and I'm ready to catch up on that sleep.

You're already the voice inside my head, I miss you.

My Legs and Arms Are Broken Down

Time for a heart to heart. Or I guess...heart to blog, blog to heart. Whatever. Don't judge me. haha.

I've realized that I have no idea why I am happy. And that in a way my thoughts haven't changed much to make me more of a positive person. My self esteem has gone up and that's good. I credit that little boost to D. She said something one time that just made a little click in my head. I'd quote her but I don't remember it exactly and it would sound confusing if I tried. haha. But basically I hate myself a little less which is nice. I'm guessing that has cheered me up some but its not the main reason.

Of course...I guess I can't say it isn't if I don't know what the main reason is. In my mind...I feel as though I have nothing to live for. I feel like I disappoint people often and therefore it wouldn't be a great loss if I was gone. However, I do feel like I have people to live for. I realized that if it wasn't for some people in my life I wouldn't get out of bed each day. Some of these people I talk to every day and others I may not get to talk to for months. Its hard to explain I guess.

I about lost my cool the other day. I couldn't help it. I told some of my family (aka the awesome support system) about my thoughts on changing my major. Suddenly they are supportive of my decision to be a social worker. Wtf. Its not that they finally realized that it wouldn't be such a bad job...its just because they would rather me do that then go into paramedic science. So basically they are even more negative than before. I amazed I found something they disapprove of more than SW because they used to treat it like a damn plague. Oh well. I'm hoping I can make my business really take off here in the next couple months and then I won't even need to get a diploma because I will be financially kicking ass.

With envy for the solid ground.

This is Our Decision to Live Fast and Die Young

I seem to be on a terrible trend where I take forever to do a new post. My bad. I just get busy and lost in the summer days.

I'm doing pretty good. And I don't mean things are going good (even though they are for the most part) I mean I'm mentally and emotionally doing much better. I've been closed and throwing up walls left and right for awhile (since August to be exact) but now I'm a little more open and I've been able to deal with the death. It took me almost 10 months but I'm finally okay. I still don't discuss that with anyone but talking about other things has helped relieve pressure there and allowed me to deal with the things I need to deal with instead of having everything build up inside. I'd feel better if I could see a couple people I haven't seen for a long time that have always been really helpful but I haven't had a chance yet. Two good friends from work have been helping me out though. They've been great.

Other than the fact I'm not quite losing my mind anymore, things are pretty great. Its going great at both jobs and my business. I can't wait until our next photography event. I love shooting wedding pictures. They are so fun! Its going great at BL and other than the occasional shitty customer I still love going to work. My business is growing...slowly but its better than nothing. In August I'm going to Florida with a few friends and I can't wait to expand my business down there! I know...its Florida and we will be on the beach and I should enjoy a vacation but I can't pass up an opportunity to try to expand while I'm in a great city. That would make me stupid. Lets just hope I can get my meetings out of the way before all the crazy sunburn lines I'm sure I will get. haha.

I'm happy. I'm very happy. I still have the issues with the shitty support system and my father being an ass but I'm happy. I wish I could help some friends but sadly the ones I want to help most are the ones with problems I can't fix. I think thats why I want so badly to help them. I'll find a way someday. But as for now its time to catch up on a little sleep and then get ready for another exciting day at BL. Working 4-10 tomorrow...not my favorite shift but its a blessing to have a job.

We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

Russian Roulette

So I'm totally still slacking haha. My bad. But I've been busy working and taking care of my mom. So uh what to update on...

Well I'm again having my epic battle of what to major in. I'm still with Social Work right now but in the back of my head there is always a little sign blinking that wants me to go into some form of medicine. Its not a money thing its just an interest thing. I'd love to go into a medical field of just about any kind but I don't think I want to work in a hospital. Which is where my problem comes in haha. I've been thinking about paramedic science. Then I could be out in the city helping people. Which would be nice. BUT I still want to do SW. My desire to do SW has only grown stronger after my classes but it also makes my sign blink brighter saying "But what about this option?" I'm frustrating myself. I love the thought of doing either of them. Idk...

In other fabulous news my back is much better. I was hurting bad for about 5 or 6 days though. The brace helped a lot on the days I wasn't too stubborn to wear it. haha. There is a little pain when I move certain ways but its more like a little pinch. Its nothing like the nearly paralyzing bolt of pain that I was feeling.

I'm very excited again about Friday plans. I just have to get through work today and then its party time. I have to work from 11-8 then I'm going out with Te and D for what has to be a great time. Its impossible for the three of us to be together and not be laughing. Hell even two of us haha. Even at work we are always having a good time and occasionally get in trouble for laughing too much. Which will make work interesting before we go out because we will all be there together for 5 hours today. Oh the possibilities. lol

Well now I need to go get dressed and head to work.

Is not the same without a gun.

Looking Back I Clearly See

Well I've been slacking on the posts. Even though school is over for the summer I'm still busy. My mom had surgery and I've been taking care of her when I'm not at work. I have been able to sleep in a couple times though so that's nice.

I hurt my back yesterday. I'm trying not to move but that's not really working for me. Plus since I'm helping my mom I have to keep helping her up and half carrying her which is making it worse but I can't leave her. I even broke out my old brace. I'm pretty sure I haven't worn it in over a year even when I've needed it. I'm stubborn I won't lie. This week I had to give in though because I can't hardly stand up without it.

I'm so ready for the weekend! Friday me, Te, and maybe a couple other people are going out so I'm really excited. Saturday and Sunday I'll be working mostly so that sucks but I'm just excited to get out one night after this week. It hasn't been the greatest...it hasn't been the worst either but its just made me tired so I'm ready for some fun.

I should get going. I need to do some laundry but I don't think I can bend down to get them out of the dryer so that may not happen. We'll see I guess. If I can't do that I guess I should make sure I'm caught up on Grey's Anatomy before the finale tonight. :)

What it is that's killing me. Through the eyes of one I know, I see a vision once let go.

There Will Come a Time When I Will Come Undone

I'm so happy that school is almost over for this semester! I've been so busy. But I love it! haha. We've been really busy over the past week at BL. Sunday I worked from 730 to 330 then from 530 to 930. Tuesday I got called in early. I worked from 12 to 8 Thursday and it was pretty busy too. I'm assuming today will suck too. Oh well.

My sister's little dog just broke a key off my laptop. He was trying to hop into my lap and one of his nails popped it off and then he took off with it. I pried my arrow key from his mouth but its too jacked up now to get it back on. That damn dog is lucky he is cute or he'd die right about now. There is the little devil below. He's cute but today he almost had to die. Two more finals to go today. Then working 4-10. I can't wait for school to just be done! AH! Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding to shoot pictures. I'm worried it will rain. The wedding is outside and they don't have a plan B for bad weather. Oh my. Its been raining all week and I'm pretty sure it will tomorrow. Can we get good weather at least until the reception?

I believe now I will go make a sad attempt at finding something productive to do....I guess.

And you will let me fall. I'll leave it all behind before you break me down.

Well I Gotta Have Faith

Hope just doesn't cut it sometimes. That's why you have to have faith. It can really make all the difference and its a change of mind for the better.

Hope is waiting for something to happen and wishing for the outcome you want. Faith is knowing that it HAS happened. Its nice. I don't hope for success anymore. One of my biggest fears is being a failure so I used to hope to excel in everything I did. But I gave up on hope. I'm relying now on faith. I have faith that I am already successful. I've successfully graduated with the diploma I want, I've been successful with my business, and I've become the kind of person I want to be. However, I have a long way to go in school, just started my business, and still need to make personal changes. I know it will all fall into place and happen when it should. I have faith that its happened already, I just have to catch up to it.

Its actually strange to switch your thinking. Instead of worrying all the time now that I'm going to do something wrong that could cause me to fall behind, I'm not worrying at all. I'm fine with everything and what happens happens whether its good or bad. It doesn't matter because that just means its meant to happen to get me to that point where I am already successful.

I'm not worried at all about my business. I know I've already become successful in it later. That's all I need. All I need for anything is faith. Every time I get in my car I'm terrified that I will be in a wreck. I have faith that I have already made it to work safely. Anything like that is helpful. And knowing something you want has already happened instead of having so much doubt is really a relief. Doubt can be a bitch. Faith doesn't leave room for doubt where hope does. So have faith that what you want most right now has already happened and smile because the wait is over.

And I know all the games you play cause I play them too.

The More I Traveled

So I lied. lol. What a great start to a blog. Anyway, in my last post I said that I would explain more about the business I have joined but I decided not to. I don't really care to explain it for everyone because I really only care to inform the people I wish to have join my team. There's no point in me wasting my time explaining it to everyone. However, if I decide that I would enjoy informing you about it, expect an email from me. :)

The good news is I did name my part finally haha. I was given a few different options and the choice to make it as original as I wanted but I didn't want to make it crazy or anything. I, your lovely neighborhood ginger, am the owner of Coleman Business Group. I was going to use my last name no matter what I just had to pick an ending. Since your team of other independent business owners help you with your own things I decided on business group. There is no I in team right? At least not in the English language.

I'm very excited to start this. Mostly because it is almost summer and I can really focus on it without having to worry about taking away from school. Plus in May there will be a new kit for me to buy to help get me going.

By the way today was great. Work was dead. Te was already at work when I got there and we got off at the same time so of course we had a party like all day. Minus a couple times we were about to smack someone. :) Well I have a lot to do so I guess I should be heading out.

The more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.

I Find it Hard to Tell You

I haven't posted for a few days. I've been pretty busy with things I guess. But last weekend was nice it went kind of fast and slow idk it was weird. Either way it was pretty great.

My birthday was ok. My car broke down so me and AB ended up just sitting in it talking for 2 hours waiting for someone to come help us. lol. Then I went to CH's which was fun. We spent most of the time I was there just sitting outside talking. There are just certain people I need to be around more often (like her) because they are so positive (and amazing) but I don't get to see them much. :(

I finally got to talk to S about the service desk situation. She said she would let me off whenever I needed for photography events. The days I'll be asking off go against like every rule at the service desk about what days you can't have off but since S likes me I guess she doesn't care. I'm sure other people will end up getting pissed off that the rules aren't as strict for me but its been like that for awhile.

I could make an attempt to explain this thing I have started but its harder to word it right typing than just speaking. I don't know if that makes any sense but I guess I just think better if I'm actually talking out loud. I'm dumb don't judge me. But basically I have joined a business team. It will open up a lot of great opportunities and I'm very excited. Nikki, Fonzo, Marlon, Maurice, and some people at BL are a part of it. (it has nothing to do with BL or Nikki's photography business. There are also a lot of others on the local team and millions involved in it across the US) In my next post I will try to explain more about it. But its a great business and its growing even with the bad economy so that's always a good sign. But I am now the owner of my own branch which I haven't named. haha I should probably do that like today. I've even bought my business license. Scary isn't it?

I find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very mad world

I Miss the Sound of Your Voice

Yesterday did not go as planned. When I got to work S was gone so I didn't get to talk to her. I also won't see her today. My next chance is tomorrow so I guess that's when I'll have to do it. Work was pretty slow yesterday though which means it was a lot of fun. :) I do enjoy getting paid to talk and laugh.

Today did not start out so great. I drove all the way to USI to realize I had forgotten my computer. Then after debating if I should run home and get it I realized it didn't matter because I had left my backpack and all my books at home too. On the way to school I had been excited because I wouldn't have to stop and get gas on the way to work which I usually need to do on Friday's (which sucks because I get out of class at 3 and have work at 4 and have to get across town through all the traffic and...yeah its not fun. I hate Fridays) However, today because I forgot my stuff and had to drive back home I will have to stop and get gas. Awesome. As I was driving through the parking lot about to head home I almost ran over the head of the Social Work department at the school. Good thing he knows me and is also one of my advisers. Yay. I waved. He didn't. I'm sure getting almost ran down wasn't something he was looking forward to. My bad.

I asked to work early tomorrow so I could still have some hours but get the night off for my birthday. I was excited that D, as always, accepted it and I get off at 2. I'm really looking forward to having a nice party with CH and her sister's and some other people. I usually work 1030-5 at the service desk on Sundays so I wasn't worried. I thought since D knows me and can probably guess what my plans are she wouldn't schedule anything crazy for me on Sunday. SURPRISE! I have to be at work at 730 to work u-scans! Te just sent me a text a little bit ago and told me. Its just another awesome piece of information to brighten my lovely Friday. I'm not exactly thrilled to be going in so early and I'm pretty sure D is doing this for the pure entertainment of seeing me drag in Sunday morning looking like a damn mess. It will be a rough morning, but I'm sure it will be worth it since I will be at CH's place. I guess we will see how it goes. Its hard enough getting there for that shift when I haven't been up all night so I'm worried. haha.

I need to do homework...I guess. haha. If I don't do it now it will never happen. Of course I'd prefer it to never happen but that's not what I should do. Sigh...

The loudest thing in my head
and I ache to remember
all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

It Only Takes a Fateful Moment

I don't have much to say really but I'm bored so here I am. I don't go to work until 12. Hopefully today will be fun. I plan on talking to S today and telling her I'm no longer working up at the service desk. I was going to Tuesday but I screwed something up. It was really funny because as I was opening my mouth to to tell her she spoke first and told me I screwed up a check and I snapped my mouth shut. haha. She said she can fix it though (I swear she can fix everything we do wrong and keep us from getting in trouble its amazing) but since she would be doing me that favor I thought the talk could wait. Today, even if somethign does go wrong, we are having our little talk.

I don't know what I would do without my dear friend CH. I just love that kid. I fell apart the other day so her and one of her sister's told me to go to their house. I sat over there for a few hours and we talked for about two minutes and they comforted me and then we just hung out. I think because I've known her for so long and she's seen me at my best and my worst I know she won't judge me at the times between so I feel really comfortable around her (and her family). Just sitting at their house not really doing anything just made me feel better. They are very supportive of every thing I do, unlike some people, and always watch out for me. Of course I love spending time with her (and her fam) but I always forget how much better I feel after seeing them. They are so positive and really help a lot...even if they don't know it.

I need to start working on my hair...due to the ridiculous amount of it, it takes awhile to get it all under control. I'm so nervous S will be mad about our talk...I guess we will see!

To become the one you thank.

The Clock is Ticking and I'll Be Giving My Two Weeks

Well I'm not sure what to do with myself. Now that I work at the service desk I can't get off on the days I need. I have weddings to take pictures at and other things and now I'm not allowed to request off. D will let me off for anything I need any time no questions asked. All I need is to warn her a week in advance and I'm good. But D doesn't do the service desk schedule so I don't have that freedom. Now I'm kind of butting heads with S, the service desk and office supervisor, because she won't work with me on this. I don't want to quit the service desk, I do like working up there...but if we can't agree on something that works for both of us I will. S doesn't have a problem with me, she likes me and we usually get along fine and I don't want to make her mad but this is bullshit. I work for my sister too and she signs contracts for weddings saying she will have another photographer with her (not at all of them but most) and you DO NOT screw with some one's wedding. I'm not allowed holidays off but we have a wedding July 4th...I'd like to see S try to tell me I have work that day. It will be the only no call no show I'll ever do (they wouldn't fire me over it anyway) I agreed to that wedding and others before being put up there. I don't care that I'd be knocking myself back down. I said I would work at those weddings and that's that. If taking a step back makes it easier for me to be able to do both jobs then fine. Its not like I'm being loaded down with too many hours at BL, I just need certain days off and if they can't handle that I'll go back to working with a manager that can. It sucks but oh well. I do like working with D so I won't mind moving back up front if I have to.

I had to miss Easter with the family. This was because I can't request holidays off now because of S and had to work 1030 to 5. I don't mind working on a holiday, but damn they could have given me some better hours so I could have at least seen some of my family. I totally had a breakdown moment at work yesterday. Since I don't talk about my gmas death sometimes something sparks a memory and it just hits me. I had to excuse myself calmly and then ran to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes while I fell apart so no one would know. Te is the only one who knew because I thought I owed an explanation on why I ran off and left her. I really need to figure out a way to deal with this. No one knows how I am right now. I mean people who read this know it bothers me but I can't explain how much I'm screwing myself up right now in my head. Its not just her death. Its hers, my friend's, other family, my own personal screw ups in life, and family situation right now. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean its okay. I'm not okay. And this is the only time I'll ever admit it.

I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm honestly thinking about knocking out now and its only 720. I had a long weekend. I guess we'll see how long I can last.

Pick your favorite shade of black, you best prepare a speech.
Say something funny, say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me.

And I Find it Kind of Funny, I Find it Kind of Sad

Well yesterday I had to scare my math professor. I didn't want to do it but she made me. Monday I didn't go to class because...well I just didn't. lol. Monday evening I was emailed by Prof R and the administration offices saying I was being taken out of the class for missing 4 days. They told me I had 24 hours to figure something out. I have not missed 4 days of that class so of course my ginger self became furious in about 4 seconds. Tuesday I worked from 9-430 so I didn't have a chance to talk to anyone. A little before class started yesterday I hunted my prof down. We had a nice little chat about how she was going to fix it. I'm usually very respectful to teachers and I never cause problems in class, but she got to see the other side of me. She almost got me taken out of the class and then I wouldn't be a full time student and all my crap would have been screwed up. Just because I'm usually nice to teachers doesn't mean I won't come unglued on one if I need to. So we may have shared some words and she probably thinks I'm an asshole now but she fixed her mistake and I get to stay in the class. I don't really care what she thinks, school will be over before too long.

Nothing really exciting is going on in my life.
Te got a promotion so that's awesome. I was really excited when she told me.
I realized I'm a loser. lol. I don't have plans for my birthday and I don't think I'm going to make any and its on a Saturday. I plan on working in the morning but after that I really don't think I'm going to do anything. Idk.
Today there was some crazy things going on at work that I won't discuss here. But basically it was intense and I was like whoa. haha. That sums most of it up.
I broke my glasses. For the third time. They are still in one piece but they are really only being held together with hope. lol. I can't wait for my new ones to come in. They should be here any day. Its sad that I'm so excited about glasses, but I am.

By the way, I miss people. And I don't know what the hell I'm doing with anything. I'm so lost and in my own little box. I'm dumb.

Well I think its time to go to bed. Or maybe read. Or maybe read until I fall asleep. The possibilities are endless really...

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

Here We Go Again With All the Things We Did

This weekend sucked bad. Just because of work. Today wasn't as bad. I was extremely busy taking care of stuff though. Our manager was busy running a register as a cashier most of the day because we were so busy so I was left to deal with all the calls and angry customers. I was also sent running everywhere. I had to chase kids down outside the store, run/fix the self checkouts (twice) be a cashier for a bit, fix something at the fuel center, and then do my regular work I had to get done at the service desk. AH! But Te and D were there for part of my shift so that was nice. But overall it kind of sucked because I had to do other people's jobs and barely got my own stuff done.

Saturday...oh my. We were crazy busy then our system shut down. We could only except cash. We couldn't take credit, debit, EBT, WIC, checks, or tax exempt forms. Oh. My. Gosh. It was kind of nice because a lot of people left (a lot of people in that area use EBT) but then we had carts full of items just left everywhere in the store. The entire front of our store was double lined with carts full of things that needed to find their way back to the shelves. Not fun. We had to keep announcing over the store that our system was down. Some people didn't pay attention though and they would come up to the front with full carts paying with something other than cash and then go off. I honestly thought one lady was going to hit me. They had so much stuff but I know it had been announced since she had been in the store so it wasn't my fault. (Of course I didn't break our computers either so it wasn't my fault any way) Not a fun night.

Friday went better than I thought it would. Kind of. I did fine running the service desk on my own even though I was freaking out. Some customers still pissed me off but why don't we try to find a day when they don't. Its not going to happen. It was pretty busy and people have a problem waiting. I don't understand why grown people can't form a line and understand that I can only help one person at a time. That just makes me angry and I work slower because I'm thinking of all the things I'd love to shout back at the people yelling at me.

Friday night is the only thing that saved my weekend. Miss CH came to the rescue. As always. After work I went out to her house. I got there at about 930 and left after 2 in the morning. I was really tired and would have enjoyed getting to be earlier but I just love that kid. I can't help it. She just has a way of cheering me up. We decided every Friday is now our relaxing day. It will be the best end to every week and perfect start to every weekend.

And now I'm wondering just who I would have been...

In My Opinion Seeing is to Know

I'm can't decide if I am looking forward to tomorrow or not. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I have a test in one of my classes that I haven't studied for yet. But when we were reviewing for it yesterday I knew most of the things he was talking about so even though I haven't read any of the 3 chapters I guess something soaked into my head during the lectures. The rest of my classes shouldn't be bad though so I guess that's nice.

After I'm done with those I have to work 4-8. I'm kind of happy about that. I still get some hours but I don't have to stay late. I usually work until at least 10 on Fridays. BUT (and that's a very large but) its at the service desk. Boo. I'd rather be at the service desk than my register some days but not a Friday. It will be really busy (extra busy this week because of a big sale) I've had hardly any training and I will be left to deal with people alone. I'm so nervous. One of the main things we get on Fridays are payroll checks (of course) and it just so happens I have no idea how to do those. Wonderful. They really should have moved me to the service desk before I became more outspoken there. I used to let customers go off and just stand there and take it and be passive with people that worked there if they were being shady. Well now that I've been there for awhile I've lost that and say exactly what I'm thinking. So let's see what happens tomorrow when they get a customer going off on me because I don't know how to do something yet because they never train people enough. I won't go off on the customer. I'll save it for whoever is working in the office. Oh will they ever hear from me if we get a customer attempting to get in my face. (I say attempt because there is the glass that separates us. That glass is going to save lives tomorrow)

Even though that is going to be the worst four hours at BL ever I'm still kind of happy I got that shift. Since I get off at 8 I get to go out with some friends. Yay. I'm really excited to see them. Its not like I hide under a rock all the time but some friends I just don't get to see often. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen one of them since like the first week of January at a party she had. Its sad. lol. So anyways that's really the only good thing happening tomorrow. But its a pretty big plus to my day. CH makes everything better. True story.

The things we hold are always first to go.

And If You Not From Here Then You Can Walk It Out

Well so far I like the service desk. The only part that isn't much fun is being stuck in a little box all day when I'm used to walking around more and talking to every one. Answering the phone kind of sucks too because the one I'm usually next to is quiet and its hard to hear the other person. I'm usually giggling about something too so I stutter. By the way...we get some really weird calls.

I've finally got all my papers for school caught up. I didn't even realize I was on schedule until about two days ago when I was trying to decide what I needed to stress about most to get things done in order and had nothing. I haven't had that for months and didn't know what to do with myself. So I made fun of people on fmylife.com lol. So productive...

Small vent. I hate when people judge someone they don't know. I hate when someone talks to a person for five minutes and even when that person is trying to be nice they still get tagged as an ass. I really don't like it when this opinion is being aimed at a friend of mine. I didn't ask what your opinion of them was so shush. (that was the nicest I've ever shut the fuck up ever. and now its ruined) People know I'm really defensive about friends so why would they tell me that? That is asking for some ginger wrath to be unleashed. You're stupid.

and you not hood if you don't know what I'm talking bout
I'm so hood. (lol obviously)

So Take a Good Look at My Face

Some days I just don't understand one of my sisters.

One is very smart. She's got a lot of bills and has trouble making ends meet, but she works hard and saves what money she can and stuff like that. The other...well she doesn't think so much before doing things. She got an apartment with her boyfriend who she fought with. They broke up and now she's having issues with bills, has no food (with the exception of some butter) and today she thinks she wants to buy a dodge charger. I don't even know what to say to her except what the hell are you thinking? She has a tv she pays 300 a month on (rent to own thing. its a damn nice tv) school loans, medical bills, and her little dog to take care of and she wants to buy that. I just don't get it.

Well I totally got called a bitch by a customer the other day. That was fun. I don't care who but someone better be proud of me for controlling my temper. I was working u-scans and just walked away and then said have a nice day when she was leaving. I'll keep the mean comments I had in my head to myself. But damn...I happen to think for the most part I'm pretty damn pleasant. lol. I mean if you piss me off you are in trouble but I wasn't mad at the time and was actually in a good mood (I'd just gotten to work and Te and D were working) But I tried not to let it bother me. People come in there all the time ready to make a scene about anything. Little did she know my fist was about to make a scene on her face. haha. I was so pissed and Te was on lunch so I didn't have anyone to back me up with the mean glares haha.


Who is way too excited to sleep in tomorrow? THIS GIRL! haha.

You'll see my smile looks out of place.
If you look closer it's easy to trace
the tracks of my tears.

Leave Me Out in the Waste

Oh how I love sleeping in! I don't get to do it as often as I'd like but its really nice when I don't have to worry about when I'll get up. Of course there is usually a downside to this. I have to work from 5 until midnight tonight. Shoot me? I had to work from 6 to midnight last Thursday which sucked pretty bad. Instead of being on a register I was stocking and of course that was just a freaking blast because my back was hurting pretty bad at the end of the night. I wouldn't have minded as much if I would have been working with someone I liked but of course I was with the one manager that doesn't like me so we weren't having the best of evenings. I tried to act like she did like me for awhile and attempted to talk to her and be nice, but she shot that down pretty quick with a few shitty remarks. Oh well. It doesn't really bother me, she can think what she wants and be shady.

Thankfully today on my closing shift I'll be working with D. Even though I really do not want to work this shift because I have school tomorrow morning, I don't really mind since I like the people I work with today. However, there are some really strange people that come into the store late which I'm not looking forward to. Of course all the weird ones come out at night, but in that neighborhood...its a whole different breed of crazy. Plus, there are usually drunk ones that come in and many have short tempers so I'm really not looking forward to them. I've put up with them before but I can't help but always be a little nervous. You never know what could send someone over the edge.

I really need to write a paper for tomorrow, but who wants to do that? I'll probably wait until last minute and stress over it all day tomorrow. It shouldn't be too hard anyway. I think it will actually be pretty fun. It will be really interesting to see the responses of other people in that class because we had a disagreement the other day. Its over homelessness and me and two other girls got into it with the rest of the class about the causes. Our professor didn't really know what to do. haha. It was fun. I love debating with people.

This is not what I do. Its the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

I Have Finally Decided to Hold My Head Up With Pride

Well this isn't exactly how I pictured this year going when thinking about it before I graduated. I figured I'd have my nice school schedule and hopefully a job. I got that part right. I thought I'd still hang out with friends a lot and be the same person. I got that part wrong. I thought I'd work enough hours to pay for what I needed and not try to take on more than I can handle with school. I got that part wrong. I thought I'd have the same friends. Wrong again. I just didn't see it being like this. I liked the picture I thought I would see but I think I like this one more. Well some parts of it. I didn't expect it to go exactly as I thought though because nothing ever does.

I enjoy my school and work balance most days. Sometimes I feel like I can't get things done on time but I usually find some way of amazing myself and finishing everything. I work a lot but I'm glad I do. Its actually one of my favorite places to go which I know is weird. (its not my job. I don't enjoy being a cashier, its being around the people that work there. it wouldn't matter where it was or what I was doing if I was with people like them I'd have to like it) Some days I'm not too thrilled about when I work but I can't complain. I get along with so many people there I can't help but enjoy working. Even with the shitty customers I still like it. I've always got someone there who will stand next to me and give them dirty looks or say something to shut them up. lol.

I hardly go out with friends anymore. I see some at school, send an email, or text but that's about it. I never stay out late with them or go to the movies or anything like I used to. Every once in awhile I'll go to lunch with someone, but not very often. I miss certain people. A lot. Even though I still talk to them its not the same I miss seeing them. I didn't expect to keep the same friends from high school. I knew I'd lose a lot and that's not what my issue is. I still have a lot, I'm just so damn busy because of work I can't see them. I get so frustrated with myself for staying so busy all the time. I get so excited just to go to lunch or Starbucks with a friend now because I'm either at school, work, or sleeping. I just miss being around them. I hate this antisocial bullshit. Its not me.

I'm much different. I'm still somewhat the same but some days I feel colder. I don't mean temperature related, though I am cold a lot and that's unlike me, I'm always wearing a jacket now. But I mean I feel somber. I'm still goofy and fun and I don't think my friends have noticed because I still act the same around them but I'm really quite solemn. I think this started with a certain death but I could be wrong. Its hard to explain...I act the same but I'm not as cheerful as often. I'm not depressed though. I don't know I'm almost confusing myself.

Oh well. I hope eventually I find a good balance with school, work, and my social life because I really need to fix it with some people. As for myself, I think I need to work on accepting that death to help myself. But its hard to accept it when I don't talk to anyone. I think I'm cold because I just ignore it and its building up. I don't know why I do this.

...And accept the way life takes you through these changes.

It Isn't About the Years on Your Headstone

Well it looks like despite one managers attempt to get me out of BL I'm moving other places instead. On to the service desk they say! Where I get to handle all the pissy customers which, if you've been reading carefully, are my favorite! I really don't think I will like working there but I guess I shouldn't complain yet. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Despite common input from people who should shut the fuck up (excuse me) I'm happy with myself. I have a long way to go to get to where I'd like to be but I'm happy with what I'm doing. I'm going to school full time and doing my best. I'm working constantly to attempt to pay for as much as I can on my own. Though I do have a party side its not like its ruining my life and I actually don't even go to that many. Most of my weekends are dominated by work, so anyone that tells me having a fun Saturday every two or three months is bad can keep their opinion to themselves. Thanks. Of course there are things I would like to change or improve on, but I'm content. That's all I really care about. I love school. Yes I love it. I hate going some days but I love it. (Let me know if that ever makes sense) I enjoy work. I enjoy my freedom and schedule between work and school even though I get overwhelmed some weeks. I've had my rough patches and my issues, but I'm doing better. I've finally, yes finally, realized I'm not such a bad person. In fact, compared to certain people around me I'm pretty damn amazing. I hate to sound like a jackass but lets be honest here.

So basically my point is I'm okay. I mean I don't want to stay where I am forever, but as long as I continue progressing I'm okay. I enjoy my life and I honestly don't really care what anyone thinks. Well, except for like four people...but other than that no one counts. lol. I'm content for the most part with things and that's what matters. I'm working, going to school, and volunteering when I can and I don't know...I'm happy with it all. I hope to say that about the rest of my life. I might not have the most fabulous life story at the end, but as long as I enjoy it, the people I care about enjoy me being a part, and somewhere along the way I help at least one person, I'll know it wasn't wasted. Let's hope I get there.

...it's the dash between that counts.

They Always Could Find Us

If I worked as hard on school as I did summer plans I'd graduate next semester. lol. Don't get me wrong I do work hard with my school stuff, I've just been making lovely summer plans as well. I can't wait!

So first I plan on working. Like a lot. I know this hardly sounds fun but what isn't more fun about having more money and less worries about paying things off? Then, in July, a concert! Woot! No Doubt got back together and they are going on tour with Paramore. They will be stopping in Noblesville, Indiana and that's where I'll be! Me and a friend got really excited about No Doubt reuniting (and touring with Paramore. its perfect) so we went ahead and got a pre sale code and bought them this morning! A month and a few days after the concert I'll be packing up with a couple best friends and heading to Destin, Florida for a week. How excited am I? VERY! lol. My friend's grandfather has a timeshare there. We already booked it and its right on the beach. AHH I'm so excited!

The best part is that all these things have to happen. They aren't like plans that can change or people can back out. The only one subject to change is work. (Who knows what the one crazy manager will do to get me out) I have a job so I have to work, we already bought the tickets for the concert so we have to go, and we already booked the timeshare. I'm loving this! I can't wait.

KL is joining in on my strange level of excitement. When we heard about the concert, she was the one who said we had to go. haha. Oh I love it! The concert is outside..and even though it will be probably be scorching hot we are totally cool with it.

This weekend I'm going to state prelims for winter guard. I'm looking forward to that a lot. And next week is my spring break. I'm not doing anything special for it other than enjoying Monday and Wednesday off. (Mondays and Wednesdays are the only days I don't work.) I'm averaging about 35 hours a week now. Talk about exhausting with school! Even though I complain sometimes, I do enjoy it. But not as much as I will enjoy this summer! =)

But they never could catch us.

I'm Not Calling for a Second Chance

So I can't wait until this weekend. I love having Saturdays off. Even though this time I'll be waking up at like 5 and getting home pretty late. I don't mind. A day away from crazy people is great no matter how its spent. lol. And in two weeks I get to do it again. Yay.

It was crazy busy at work yesterday. Some customers turned up their attitudes which of course didn't go well with me. I really need to work on my anger issues with them. But seriously you'd be surprised if you knew the bullshit they give us. The people in that neighborhood are damn rude.

Despite the high level of pissy people, yesterday was still pretty entertaining. I got a new name tag and I'm hoping to confuse people with it. lol. About a month after I started I lost my original name tag (or thought I did) It costs $5 to get a new one made. F that. I went to the meat department where they have screwed up tags and grabbed one. Then I went to the office and told them the label with my name fell out of the slot. They believed me and made me a new label for free. lol. However, the new tag was in the reject pile because it had been made upside down so I've been taping it to my shirt everyday since. No one ever noticed until last week. One of my managers, D, found out my nickname was Ginger and thought it was the most appropriate nickname for me. She asked if I'd wear a tag that said it and I said I would if I didn't have to pay for it. So, yesterday D took me to the office and told them that my tag was broken and it was unacceptable and looked bad or whatever and I needed a new one since they screwed it up. She had them make a new tag for free that says Ginger. lol. I laughed the whole time. I couldn't even try to act like it was a serious problem. I got it at the end of my shift though so I'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow to see what people think of it. Especially our store manager. lol.

Things like this is why I love working there. Hate the customers, but damn the people that work there are so much fun. We do goofy things like this all the time. Nights there are the best. I enjoy having nights off, but less people come in at night and that's when we do just about everything we shouldn't be doing because the store manager is gone. For the most part, the people that work nights are a riot. I'm looking forward to Friday, I work 4-1030. haha. Oh the good times.

I'm screaming at the top of my voice

There's Plenty of Ways to Die

For a class I was forced to do some sort of volunteer work or go to drug court to write a paper. I took the easy way and just went to drug court because my schedule at work has been kind of crazy, but I decided to actually start volunteering somewhere on days that I do have free time. I chose a local food bank to start at. Little did I know some people aren't as open to volunteers as I would have expected...

Two of the people I was working with were really nice and I hope to see them again when I go back. However, another person was not as welcoming and I actually thought she was going to jump me until one of the workers stepped in and directed her somewhere else. She thought I was there because of a court order for community service, I don't see why that matters but I guess to her it does. Even after finding out I was just volunteering she kept acting the same way, I guess she assumed I was lying. I swear I'm the only person who can turn volunteering into a negative social situation...even though it wasn't my fault.

Yesterday was my first day there. I signed some papers, talked to a few people, and then went to work in the warehouse. I didn't really do much other than basically reorganize things, but I suppose any extra hands can help because they have a lot of work to do. We didn't talk much and even though the weather was fair outside it was pretty cold inside the warehouse. I couldn't stay long because I had to go to work but I enjoyed the little time I did spend there (minus the lady who wasn't too fond of me) I'll be going back tomorrow morning at 8 to spend about two hours before I have to be at work at 11. I plan to keep this up. Even though that lady was slightly discouraging and didn't want me there, she can just damn get over it. lol.

But you have to figure out a way to live. Now that's hard.

I Guess Its Time I Run Far, Far Away

I hate when I find out I've screwed something up for myself. It really pisses me off.

Anyway I've been tagged so I guess I will go ahead and do it...dangit.25 things you may or may not know about me...sigh...

1. The blinds over the windows in my room are duct taped shut.
2. I accidentally pepper sprayed myself once. It hurts. Bad.
3. I'm terrified of becoming a failure but I think I will be.
4. My bass guitar's name is Larry.
5. When I was starting school it took me forever to figure out my middle name(Michelle). I couldn't remember how many L's were in it.
6. Even though I like it, I would quit my current job in a heartbeat to be a guard tech somewhere. I'm not very good but if a school was desperate enough I'd be there. lol. I miss it so much.
7. Riding with me in my car is pretty much a party. Even by myself I sing and dance.
8. When I get really mad I start laughing hysterically. This is a sign that people should not be around me because when I stop laughing again I'm about to snap.
9. When I was little I was jealous of my oldest sister because she had dark brown hair and I wanted my hair that color. I swore I'd dye it one day.
10.Some days I just drive around Evansville for hours alone because I don't want to go home.
11. I don't type the correct way but I still type pretty fast. Its weird.
12. I HATE being called Kate. Its the only version of my name that I don't like or use. I go by Kathryn, Katie, Kat and occasionally Kathy even though I don't understand that one.
13. I love hugging people.
14. I used to hate being in a smoky place but now I like it because it reminds me of my grandmother.
15. I have almost identical scars on my hands even though they were cut from two totally different things.
16. My birthmark looks like a bird taking a crap in mid flight.
17. I can't sleep with my closest open. Its not a phobia...it just annoys me so bad I can't stop thinking about it. I always close it before I leave the house too.
18. I'm now terrified of being in another car accident after being injured badly in one the summer before my junior year.
19. I would never live in Chicago but it is my favorite place to visit and walk around. Yes, walk around. I love the big crowds and tall buildings.
20. I would probably pierce my ears in more spots and maybe my nose but my mom would freak...even though I don't need her permission. Plus I can only have two for work and I already have them.
21. I never wear shorts outside my house. The last time I did was a guard practice in 07.
22. I hate my smile.
23. I'm in a good mood if I have put someone else in a good mood. If I haven't made someone smile yet that day I'm probably in a bad mood.
24. I forced myself into a slightly higher position at work. Long story but basically I'm damn sneaky. lol
25. People think I am afraid of sticky things. I'm not. I just hate having sticky things on me. I can't stand the feeling. Its not like I'm going to cry or have a damn panic attack. Its just annoying.

Well there you go. Some people may know some or none or all. I don't know. At least I did it. I'm off to go have a little talk with my bank about their screwing my account up again. Its on bitches.
Find comfort in pain.

There are Times However, and This is One of Them

I have nothing to write about but I've been slacking so I'm doing a post. I need to start on a paper, but that's not going to happen.

The manager at work that I don't get along with is trying to get me fired I think. But the store manager, hiring manager, and every other supervisor and manager does like me so I'm not that worried. She is honestly the only person that works there (that has talked to me) that has an issue. But there is only one or two people there who actually almost like her. Who is the problem here?

Well tonight I got out of work. I'm just sitting at home enjoying a nice relaxing night by myself. The rest of my family went to a funeral out of town but I couldn't go because I had classes I couldn't miss today. Since I was going to be on my own I decided to fix a nice dinner. I'm usually not around for dinner and just make a quick sandwich after I get home. I spent too much money on buying the ingredients tonight but that's alright. It was damn good. lol. We all like to enjoy a nice meal from time to time, and to be quite honest I kick ass at cooking. Maybe not everything but some dishes I can rock. haha.

I was kind of looking forward to this time alone but now I kind of want to get out. I'm considering just driving around. I think I might. I mean I'd still be having my me time...I'd just not be stuck inside. I do believe I just thought of something to do...guess that means I should go get ready and head out. =)

When even being right feels wrong.

With Every Turn Comes a New Frame of Mind

I always hate writing papers. I complain in my head from the second I find out I have to write one. Then I stare at a blank screen and complain in my head more. Then check out my facebook and yahoo and msn and play some freecell. lol. Then I stare at my blank page again and force myself to start. Then I start having fun and realize I still kick ass at writing papers. lol. Every time, it never fails. I'm reminded of this lovely process because I did it over the last week while I procrastinated on a paper that I actually enjoyed writing. I love when I can weave in humor. It was pretty easy this time because (even though my professor and classmates who will read it don't know) I was making fun of myself. The paper was on phobias and I have a ridiculous phobia of dentists. I don't know why but I freak out every time I have to go. If I see an orthodontist I'm totally cool, but then again I haven't had braces (obviously my teeth are so not close to being straight...) but a regular dentist and just a simple check-up and cleaning is the most exhausting/terrifying thing to me. But anyway in the paper I kind of poked fun at my train of thought, they just don't know it was my irrational thought process instead of some random example.

It was fun and had me laughing and wondering why I'm so damn scared of a freaking dentist. Especially because mine is super nice. If you've seen Miss Congeniality, the girl Cheryl aka Miss Rhode Island (the goofy one that wins the contest) is just like her. How can I be scared of her? I'm not really sure but I am. My oldest sister and one of my grandfathers have this fear too. I actually know why I am, a slightly traumatic experience with my first dentist when I was really young. My sisters agree that he was really mean and they were scared of him too. I guess only one of us got past that. lol.

I'm so excited about the nice weather here! Its about time. But you better believe I got in one more really good wipe out before the ice melted. I somehow bruised my arm pretty good in the process...I'm not sure how that happened. I landed on my back/neck/head so I'm not sure where my arm was. The only reason I know that was when I actually hurt it is because after I figured out I hadn't paralyzed myself and started laughing, I realized my arm was hurting pretty bad. By far the most painful one I've ever done. I'm glad it was at like ten at night and in my driveway because I had to lay there for like 5 or 6 minutes before I could get up because I hurt my back so bad. I was surprised, I'm so usually so graceful ;)

Its time to read and go to bed. I'm tired.

If I could frame my mind, where would it hang?

I Think We Got Off on the Wrong Foot...

LETS VENT!

So there is a manager, M, at work that no one likes. lol. She's really rude and complains all the time. Its annoying and just puts everyone else in a bad mood. I've tried to be nice to her but its just wasted effort. There is always a problem. The other night I thought I was going to slap her. It was really busy at work when it was time for me to go home so even though I was off the clock I started helping people bag groceries, run the u-scans, and do price checks. Te was running the u-scans at the time but then one the cashiers had a major issue and she had to go take care of it (because M was no where to be found) so while she helped them I ran the u-scans for her (I'm so nice). It took about ten minutes to correct the problem at the register. (we later found out that cashier had accidentally rang up 400 cans of corn...How? we have no idea) After fixing the corn dilemma, me and Te divided the u-scans up because there were so many people. (I worked almost a full hour off the clock...whats that about? but I feel bad leaving them when its crazy because it sucks if you are the one being left)

After it finally slowed down, I was standing there talking to Te because no one was at the u-scans. Well, M finally decided to make her grand entrance and came up and told me I was being a distraction. I might have snapped on her. I was like 'Are you freaking kidding me? You've been sitting in the break room on your phone sipping a Ski, while I do YOUR job! Te had to fix something on one of the registers so I had to help out because you refuse to answer a damn page! Don't tell me I'm being a distraction when no one is even here to help and I'm the one actually helping them instead of you. You always find a way to magically disappear when its busy and suddenly go deaf when there is a page for you. Do not tell me I'm distracting anyone when I've been working off the clock for almost an hour now.' I was pissed and Te was too but she was just looking at me like...whoa. lol

So M told the store manager hoping to get me in trouble. But I saw him today, after he'd been told and he didn't say anything about it. She also tried to have another manager talk to me but she didn't do it either. lol. They like me more. M didn't talk to me today. lol.

She so needs to be fired. I've had to apologize a few times to customers for her rude behavior. She's a manager! I can understand another cashier being rude or courtesy clerk or something but one of the managers? That's just sad. They said they were going to call and complain. I encouraged them. lol. I felt bad for like....5 minutes today for basically yelling at her that night. But then I found out she tried to get me in trouble with the store manager and I was all fired up again. lol. I did try to be nice again today though. I don't like having problems with people at work (even though everyone at work hates her) I feel bad because she is very not liked...but she brings that shit on herself. I tried and she just doesn't like anyone so whatever. Everyone else there gets along with me though so I know it isn't my fault. lol. I don't care what she thinks.

Damn that pisses me off...I did her job for an hour while she sat on her fat ass and hid in the break room and I'm a distraction. If she wasn't a manager she would have met my right hand so fast. I wanted to just slap the hell out of her.

That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet in fucking ugly shoes.

What's in the Punch?

Well Wicked was, as always, amazing. Our seats were really close to the stage, it was freaking awesome. I could go through and break down what I thought of each characters performance, but you'd die of boredom and I don't want that. I didn't like a couple of the people in this group, but even though they weren't the greatest (greatest being the original cast...closest to greatest now is the Chicago cast to me) I still enjoyed it.

I just felt the need to inform the people who read this that it was in fact fantastic. Loved it. And bought a new wicked shirt. :D I can't wait to have everything from the Oz Dust Boutique. lol. Its my new goal. The shirt I bought is a black zip up hoodie...it was $65. I kind of almost had a stoke. Its a shame I think its worth it. I'm going to go broke, but at least I'll have a totally unnecessary amount of Wicked items. :) Its time for bed. Work in the morning, boo. haha.

Lemons and melons and pears.
Oh my!
(that line cracks me up sorry. lol)

Time is Ticking on, We Don't Get a Second Shot

Short post tonight. I think. Hell I don't know I ramble. There I go!

Tomorrow I'm going to see Wicked!!! Who is excited? ME! Obsessed? Why of course I am. lol Due to the crazy weather in the tri-state area all shows this week were cancelled except the Saturday ones (woo) The people who had tickets for a show that was cancelled with be given tickets to a show when Wicked returns to that city in May of 2010. I would have been so pissed! But thankfully its back on tomorrow so its party time!

I'm still super sore. That's alright though. At least I haven't busted my ass any more. However, the last time I wiped out on the ice was exceptionally graceful in the most ungraceful way. Pure talent I tell you!

Well I am off to go snuggle into the warmth of my disturbingly comfortable bed. I haven't slept in it in 4 days! I can't wait to pass out! lol

And in 60 years, we gotta face our fears, and show the cards we've got...