Serene

So, I never went to sleep last night. Kind of makes me sad. I enjoy sleep. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't and then I just got bored so I got up. Damn. I was looking forward to it. lol. So now its 6:44 and I'm still bored and I hate when this happens. Its probably going to take me forever to write this because I keep getting distracted. Or it may not take long at all because I don't actually have anything to say other than I'd really enjoy some friggen sleep. Okay I'm over it. For now.

So this is random but that's okay. I'm almost afraid to play one of my guitars. lol. One time I was playing it and one of the strings needed to be tightened for the tuning on specific song I was playing, and I tightened it just a little bit too much and the string broke and smoked me in the face. It left a wicked mark that went across my eye...kind of like that one lion in The Lion King (lol) but that's really what it looked like. So, anyway I don't play that one much. Good thing I have another. If I lose an eye playing the guitar...wow. FAIL. Someone just come punch me in the face if I ever do though. I won't see it coming anyway.

Well I guess that random information pretty much takes care of it for now. I may post one later tonight if anything happens that's worth getting on. Or if I feel the need to tell another completely random story. Who knows.

I Should Buy a Boat

That's right. Two posts today. I'm getting crazy now!

My sister is doing better. She was able to go home and is on some meds so she's been sleeping a lot which I'm sure is good. Bryce is still kicking and moving around a bunch so that's good. Hopefully she keeps getting better and doesn't have to go back to the hospital.

I think I freaked my mom out today. We were talking about my major and my thoughts on a minor. After talking for a bit I just started crying. I guess lack of sleep and stress just wore me out. I'm tired of being looked at like I'm an idiot because I chose Social Work. Seriously...WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?! Its what I'm going to do and anyone who has a negative comment can just blow it out their ass. I'm not an idiot. I could have gone into something else but I didn't want to. Get over it. I know I've bitched about this a few times already, but it happens everyday! I seriously get it everyday! Why do people suck so bad! Gosh. My family (except Nikki and my mom) all look at me and treat me like I am the dumbest person they know. Its because of the major. I tell them my major and they all say "Oh...really? Why? There are much better things you could do with you life." I'm sorry I thought I said I chose Social Work...they must have heard drug dealer. They sound about the same I guess.

Crazy Night

I wish I could take naps. For some reason once I'm up in the morning that's it. It doesn't matter how tired I am. I can't take a nap. Sucks. Today I am super tired. Last night my oldest sister was feeling bad so I stayed up with her. She started feeling bad around 10 but it didn't get too bad until about 11:30. (btw for anyone who doesn't know she is 6 months pregnant) Finally at 1:30 this morning she called whoever was working the emergency line her doctor gave her. That lady was supposed to have the doctor call Nikki right back. We waited an hour. No call. That dumb skank. Then me and Fonzo (her husband) took her to the emergency room. She couldn't stand up straight cause her back was cramped up really bad. At about 3 they started running tests to try to figure out the problem. She finally got some pain medication a little after 4. They aren't sure when they will release her.

They said right now Bryce (her baby) is fine. They check his heartbeat often to make sure hes doing ok. However most of the time he is moving around so much they can't keep him still to get a decent reading. They can still hear it though and as long as hes still being active everything is good.

I need sleep. Fonzo had to work at 7 so we came back to their place at 5 and slept while my mom stayed with Nikki. I fell asleep at 6. Then I got back up at 8 and went back to the hospital so she had someone with her because my mom had to work. I came back a little after 1. My mom was worried so she took off work for the rest of the day so she's with her now. I thought I'd try to get some sleep but I guess that's not going to happen. Damn. Maybe I'll just go ahead and go back to the hospital.

I'm Getting Old

So my joints are falling apart. This probably sounds like a dumb statement coming from someone who is young but I have arthritis and its tearing me up right now. I can hardly stand up after I've sat down. Walking doesn't really hurt but standing still does. Usually its just my lower back that bothers me but for the past two days its been my knees. It sucks! I don't know why it is hurting so bad. I'm hoping it gets better soon.

I'm still not sure what I did to my wrist but its feeling better so oh well. haha. Yesterday it was hurting bad but so were my knees and back so maybe it was the same thing. Or maybe not but either way it feels better so I don't really care. Its weird having like all these joints hurting...I rarely injure myself and as I said my arthritis usually only bothers my back. Odd. But oh well. As for right now...I'm going to cave in and take some pain medication. (I almost never take pain medication...because I'm weird I guess) Hopefully I can sleep tonight. I haven't been able to sleep good for about 5 days now. Just a few hours each night. Maybe I'll take some meds for that too. :)

Hmm

I was really looking forward to moving out of my house this fall. I was going to move into some campus apartments with 2 people I know. Too bad that got shot to hell. Now I will be stuck at home. Awesome. I love coming home and having someone tell me I'm worthless. Its like...number 3 on my list of favorite things to do. Knowing that my chance to move has been taken away sucks really bad. Its a horrible trapped feeling. I pray every night for something to get better. It never does. As I watch my self esteem and hopes dwindle away, I realize that I'm most likely going to become exactly what he says I am. A worthless, waste of a person who won't amount to anything because they are throwing their life away to a bullshit major. Damn Social Work and its attempts to make me failure. Even though I always feel like I won't amount to anything I'm determined not to let that happen.

My newest thought (which actually isn't that new...its about a month old) is to go into a math minor. This would surprise just about everyone who knows me. Contrary to popular belief I am actually smart. I don't mean to sound like an arrogant jackass when I say that...but most people assume I'm idiot. I hate math but at the same time I like it because I'm wicked good at it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my major though. That's the only reason I'm not sold on the idea. (My aunt was the one who first told me I should do a math minor) However, my dad thinks I chose Social Work because I'm a dumbass and couldn't handle something like a chemistry major. (honestly how many people can pick that and actually find a job using it?) Choosing math as my minor would also be a nice way to tell him to take that statement about not being smart enough and shoving it in a select place. Don't get me wrong its not the only reason I want to do it. Its just a nice plus.

Having people actually support my college decisions would be nice. I don't actually have any family members who fully support me. I have 2 who almost support me. They give some support but have tried to talk me out of Social Work. They will always support my decisions but don't agree with them and want me to change...I don't count that as full support.

I do however have one person who is always encouraging me. I don't know what I would do without her. I really don't. She isn't a best friend or family member and I don't really get to see her or talk to her that much but when I do get a chance I always feel better. Even if she doesn't say much, just knowing I have someone who actually encourages me is nice. Sometimes knowing that is about all I have to keep from freaking out.

Well this was a long post. I think thats about all I have for now. I messed my wrist up super bad today and typing hurts so I guess I'll stop now. Until next time.

Self Esteem

I think one of these days I'm going to have a breakdown. Everyday I'm reminded by my father that I'm not only a horrible person but a dumbass and a waste. I don't get it. I honestly don't get it. I've always got good grades. I'm enrolled in college. I have plans and goals for myself. I've never been arrested or in any real trouble. I won't lie and pretend I'm perfect. I've gone to parties and drank and stuff but he doesn't even know about that. haha. Hell even if he did it wouldn't matter.

I just don't understand. I have very low self esteem and being constantly told that I am worthless and stupid has never really helped. I think I'm slowly starting to believe him everyday. No matter how much I try to convince myself that he's wrong I can't help but believe him. Damn.

Up to the Present

After we moved, things did get better for me. I continued doing good at school and was involved in a few activities. Throughout high school I always had a lot of friends and was always invited to parties. I smiled everyday and pretended to be in a good mood almost all the time. No one ever knew there was anything wrong. Just the way I wanted it.

For awhile after moving my depression went away. I guess because I wasn't so stressed out about my neighborhood. Junior year it came back though. I'm not sure what did it but it all came back and I was even more depressed than I had been before. I got the most depressed around February and March of that year. I was in winter guard and track around that time so I was always around people but I was still able to hide the fact that I was having problems.

The main reason I started becoming depressed was because of my family. Everyone was always fighting. Mostly my parents. My dad would start arguing with one person then he would find a way to drag everyone else into it. My sister was tired of living at home because of him so she started taking it out on me. Having her yelling at me all the time and putting me down restored all the stress I used to have when I lived on Koch.

She moved out and that took some stress away but my dad has continued to get worse. All my life nothing I ever did was good enough. It got increasingly worse and during my senior year it wore me out really bad. Everyday as soon as he got home from work he'd start yelling at me and that wouldn't stop until my mom got home then he'd just start yelling at her. He thinks I'm dumb because I'm majoring in Social Work in college. He never went to college so as far as I'm concerned he can blow it out his ass. At least I have goals for myself.

So anyway the last two blogs were just getting up to speed. After this it will all be present events I just wanted to give an idea of what I've put up with so far. And its only gotten worse. Until next time.

Koch Avenue

When I was seven years old my family moved to a small house on Koch Avenue. The first couple of years we lived there it was fine. We got along with our neighbors and I made a few friends with some kids my age who lived down the street. About two years after moving there I was introduced to a new group of people. That group of people continued to make my life hell until we finally moved six years later.

After meeting the new group of older kids who had moved into the neighborhood, I was scared to do anything. Every time I tried to do something outside one of them would find me and I'd get beat up. During the school year it wasn't so bad because we went to different schools but the summer was another story. Eventually it got to the point where it didn't matter if I was locked inside my own house. Everyone in the neighborhood, including me, knew how to pick a lock. So, no matter what I did, they'd come in and beat me up.

Even though I was beat up by several people, there was one girl who I thought was absolutely crazy. She lived two houses down from me and beat me up sometimes more than once a week. She tried to drown me, pushed me down stairs multiple times, knocked a tooth out, and even tried to stab me a few times. I never won a fight. Sometimes I'd try to fight her back but she always won because she was a few years older. However, finally, just before we moved away I got my revenge and busted her nose and lip good and she started to get the idea to leave me alone.

Having to deal with the fear of walking in my own back yard or even being home started to bother me a lot. Somehow I always kept good grades though. I stayed close to the top of my class and never told any of my friends at school about my neighborhood. I never invited anyone over and rarely told them where I even lived. I didn't want anyone to know what I was dealing with. I wasn't lying about my life to make it appear better, I just left parts out. However, keeping it bottled up and having that huge secret broke me down and by the time I was in eighth grade I was pretty depressed. Everyone I lived around on Koch repeatedly reminded me I was worthless and I had started to believe them. I didn't want anyone to catch on that I was depressed. So, instead of talking to someone I just lived by my own personal rule:

No matter what, don't forget to smile.

Everything is Perfect

Well I decided to start blogging. My posts usually aren't too exciting...but I figured it would be a good way for me to vent when I needed it. Actually to be honest I'm not sure if it will help or not, but I was told by someone that it would be a good thing to do and she's usually right. Its worth a shot I guess.

Trying to find a place to start from is hard.

I'm the type of person who always tries to cheer other people up. People think my life is easy and that I don't have many problems because I'm always very energetic, outgoing, smiling, and basically the life of the party. They think everything is great for me. However, that couldn't be farther from the truth.

No one really knows my full story or my true outlook on things. There is only one person who knows about half of it (the same person who encouraged me to blog) but other than that no one comes close. I have a problem with building walls around myself and keeping things bottled up inside. Over the years that has begun to chip away at me and I'm becoming less and less happy.

But no one knows because I keep smiling. I let them sit there and think I'm doing great when in reality I'm no where close to great. Everything is not perfect...and I'm tired of smiling. I don't feel much like actually explaining whats going on in my life tonight but either tomorrow night or Monday I'll start getting up to speed.