Confused

I'm freaking out! I mean not really but kind of. I make a lot of sense right? Anyway here's the deal...

Last year after the band had district competition the seniors decided we should celebrate. The day before me and two other seniors (KL and TS) went shopping for party supplies. These party supplies happened to be balloons, duct tape, and some other fun things that we thought we should 'decorate' our director's house and yard with. So, after district we all hop in our cars then run to our homes real quick and gather the rest of what we need and head over to his house. We duct taped, tied stuff in his trees, and did a lot of other random things to welcome him home. :) Then our lookout person called us and said he was on the way back. So, we gather up whatever hadn't been used and run to our cars trying to leave as fast as possible because we aren't sure how much time we have, when suddenly, there's a problem. My keys are missing! I never lose my keys. I make every one stop what they are doing and we all start running through the yard frantically searching for my keys. I tear my car apart looking for them and there are no where to be found. Damn. Luckily, I carry a spare in my wallet so I was able to leave anyway.

Today I was looking for a shirt I really wanted to wear. Its nothing special, just comfortable. I decided to tear my room apart looking for it. (I had some free time.) I don't have anything under my bed except like some empty boxes but I decided that maybe it might be under there. Well my bed is against a wall and its big so the only way to see whats under it is to move it. So, I move my bed and under my window (right where there was a space between the wall and my bed) are some keys. I'm thinking well that's weird. I pick them up, and its the set I lost that day at my instructor's house! I flipped! I know it was that set too because of the key chain on it (it was a silver 08 I had got at school recently when I ordered graduation stuff) I honestly have NO idea how they got here. The logical explanation would be that I had actually lost them in my car that day and then I had brought them in with something else without noticing. But for them to end up where they were they would have had to have been on my bed at some point, which I would have noticed because of the big 08 key chain. Its very shiny. And that day I looked everywhere even KL helped look through my car. Plus my room is usually neat so its easy to see something unusual.

I told KL and TS about it and they don't really have an explanation either. We keep trying to come up with an idea on how that happened but every time there is something that proves that theory is wrong. Its just crazy. I can't figure it out. And they were by my window. Creepy. Totally making sure that is locked because I'm not so sure it is, but it definitely will be after I'm done with this!

By the way I never found that shirt. Damn. But other than that today was a good day. I got to see a few people I haven't seen for awhile so that was nice. Great actually. That's 3 more down on my list of people I miss. Woo.

I'm Thirsty

I really am. I want some tea but we don't have any. Sad.

So, today was kind of nice. Busy but nice. I got to see a good friend, AL, who I haven't been able to see for awhile. We went out and had dinner and then hung out for a few hours and talked. We had a lot of catching up to do. She cheered me up. I didn't realize I needed cheering up but then I realized I've been in a really good mood all night. I guess it was just getting to see someone I missed. Now if only I could see the rest of the people on that list...

Then again I could have been in a good mood because I vented to her about some recent stuff. She made me feel better about the home issue and the crap I catch for the major. She didn't really say anything that was different than other people but I guess knowing I had another person behind me who I could turn to was comforting.

I thought when I started this blog it would be a good way for me to vent because I don't talk to people about my problems. I thought it may help me lower some walls I've built (or maybe just give me a ladder so I can climb over the wall or hide behind it when I feel the need) Then I realized complaining on here actually put me in a worse mood so I stopped talking about some stuff. And I closed up even more for a bit and got a little more angry and depressed.

But of course I kept smiling when it mattered. Can't break my own rule.

But now I do talk to some friends, like AL, who didn't know there was a problem and they always help me out. So I guess one way or another blogging did actually help me with that. Now I'm usually in a better mood like I used to be. I guess 'coach' was right again. I mean seriously she is never wrong...I bet she gets tired of that.

Paradox

So, I need someone to give me some feedback. Not on any of the other stuff (unless you want) but on this post because I truly do not understand something.

Any one who knows me knows I’m goofy, outgoing, fun, funny, and a lot of times very energetic. Some friends know my more somber side but most probably don’t. But that’s just me…I love to be outgoing and to have a good time, keeping a fun and light mood.

Now don’t get me wrong I love being outgoing and such but sometimes people make me feel like it’s a bad thing. I don’t think they do it intentionally but it still happens anyway. A lot of people assume that since I’m goofy and get a little crazy sometimes because I’m not shy that I’m not smart. All through school when people have found out that I actually get good grades they always act surprised. I always got an ‘Oh, really? I didn’t know you were smart. I never would have guessed.’ (I’ve got that response from more than one person.) Like, oh I didn’t know you could have a fun personality and be smart too. Yeah I get A’s thanks. Sometimes a B if I get bored with the class. I don't mean to sound like a pretentious ass. I don't think I'm like the smartest person because I know I'm not obviously. I just mean I get good grades and I work hard to get them so it pisses me off when people assume I wouldn't.

But seriously what the hell? I don’t get it. I honestly don’t. I don’t understand why I get the same shocked look from anyone who knows what grades I make. I mean is it honestly that hard to believe?

Yeah...

Sometimes no matter how hard a person tries to leave something behind, it always has a way of finding them again. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person, event, action, or just any memory that doesn’t quite fit with the rest, it will find you. Every once in awhile you can fool yourself into thinking you have finally gotten rid of it just in time to be greeted by it once again. That’s why people get depressed I think. The things we want to think about the least turn into a broken record and replay over and over. We need escape plans for ourselves, but no one ever told us to put that on our check list.

But then again…

I guess it doesn’t really matter what measures we take to try to escape something. Past or present. We may be able to find distractions to help, if only for a moment, but in reality we know its still there. It sits there in the back of our minds (or sometimes the front) waiting for a comment, picture, thought, or anything it can grab to remind you of the hideous scar.

Some Days Don't End Fast Enough

Well I don't have anything to talk about today. However, I was informed that my lack of posts this week was really causing problems for some people's daily entertainment. So anyway here we are.

I don't plan on mentioning anything else about my grandmother. That's just my way. If I ever do get really upset about it though and need to talk I'll find some sort of venting. I just don't want to on here. I have people I can go to so I'll just take advantage of that option if I need something. (I say people as if I have a lot when in reality there are only two I'd probably talk to but that doesn't matter. That's all I need)

I can't wait for September. That's when classes start at USI. Yay. I won't lie I'm kind of a nerd at times. I mean I'm still kick ass but I enjoy being in classes and learning. However, I have one very upsetting thing to report. I'm...looking forward to...math classes. Now just calm down...I know this seems terrible. lol. I hate learning math because there is no exciting way for it to be taught, but I'm good at it so I always look forward to it anyway. I'm a loser. lol That's ok. The main reason I'm looking forward to it though is because I'm very excited about the major. I know I've mentioned it enough already but I can't help it. Despite being shut down time and time again, I'm still all about some Social Work. I don't know what it is about it but every time I read an article or something about Social Work I get excited about it just want to learn more. I wish I was graduating and could start already! Too bad it still seems like its forever away. Hopefully time won't drag too bad. I don't know what it is. But at least it helps let me know I'm making a good choice.

If someone had told me a few years ago that I would be in guard late my junior year and then in my senior year, I would have laughed in their face. Back then it seemed like there was about a snowball's chance in hell of that happening. I joined guard as a joke. As a joke to myself because I figured guard was going to kick my ass. (and it did...a few times) But I never regretted it. If I hadn't joined guard I wouldn't have gone into Social Work. I hadn't even thought about it until someone I met (because I joined guard) told me about it and got the idea rolling. After she mentioned it I looked up some different stuff and decided to keep it in mind. And here I am today. Its crazy how things work out. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm glad I'm going into something that holds my interest. Hopefully it stays that way after college. I think it will.

Well I guess that's about it for today. I'm going to go do something crazy. I'm going to do some math. I don't know why but sometimes I just feel like doing math problems. Told you I was a nerd. lol. Its 11:40 on a Friday night and where am I? Blogging and about to do math problems for entertainment. I need help. lol. Until next time...

Pleasant Surprise

Today sucked really bad. I was at the funeral home from 3 until 8 and it was not fun...not that these things ever are. Funeral tomorrow...and its going to break me. I've held up really well. I cried when she passed away and then a few small times here and there and then another big cry today when we first got there. But other than that I've been a pretty good rock. But tomorrow I'm going to be a puddle.

Even though today wasn't much fun there were a few good moments in there. (I guess as good as something can get in that situation) Some family came up from Kentucky and I was very excited to see them. We don't get to visit much. One of the people who came up is a couple years older than my mom and he is an absolute riot. He is a lot of fun to be around and that really helped lighten the mood. (Won't use his name so I'll just call him R) A couple weeks ago, before all this started, what he did today would have made my day. It still made me really happy but nothing was going to really cheer me up all that much.

Anyway R is a Social Worker (which I was totally unaware of) and he found out from someone else in the family that I was going into that. So he came over and started talking to me and was really excited about my decision. He was telling me about some things that he had done and was encouraging me. I was amazed. I guess its a Social Worker thing because most of the support I get is from people who are Social Workers (and actually understand it). I was really excited and it cheered me up some to finally get some real support from someone in the family. I need to make it a point to talk to R more often! I know to some people this may seem like a dumb thing to be excited about, but when just about everyone shoots it down its nice to finally get some support.

I guess that's all I have. I need to get to bed because I have to be up early tomorrow for the funeral. Dang.

We'll Meet Again Someday

Well I don't know what to do with myself. Today at about 4:10 my grandmother passed away. Me, my oldest sister, mother, father, uncle (from Florida), one aunt, and my grandfather were there with her. Sucked.

I'm very thankful that she was able to go peacefully in her sleep. She wasn't feeling any pain so that comforted us all a little. I still cried like a little bitch but that's okay. I was very close to her...I lived with her during the school year from preschool until Thanksgiving of my freshman year. She was a big part of my life and was like a third parent to me.

I'm absolutely crushed.

Think Before You Speak

So lets talk about pet peeves. I have a few but I'll just put one in tonight. Most of my pet peeves are about words...this would be one of them.

Pop.

Pop is not a drink. Its not a coke or soda. Pop is an action. I've never learned how to drink an action. I understand that certain people living in places do call it pop that's fine and all I don't mean anything against them. I just don't like when people say it. If someone asks me if I want a pop...No. No I don't need a good pop right now I may be parched so a drink would be nice but I don't need an action I'm fine. Thanks.

I was at work one time and I went to ask a lady if she wanted a refill. She was like "Yes I could use some more pop." Shit there it was. I was like "Some more coke? You'd like some more coke...soda?" She just looks at me weird and is like "Yes more pop." Damn. "You need more Mt. Dew was it?" And she finally just said yes without saying pop again. I was like nope...not refilling the cup. We don't have fountain actions back there in the kitchen...just fountain drinks. lol. Of course if she would have said it again I would have gone anyway but I still wanted to win. lol.

If someone wants to show me how to enjoy a nice, cold glass of action, I'll accept calling it pop. Until then, don't go there with me. lol. I will win.

I do have a few other words like pop but I'll get to those later. :)

She Got Me

So I was tagged with this...guess that means I'll be doing it.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? Table

2. Your significant other? Nope

3. Your hair? Long

4. Your mother? Cool

5. Your father? Jackass

6. Your favorite thing? Laughter

7. Your dream last night? Nothing

8. Your favorite drink? Sunkist

9. Your dream/goal? Success

10. The room you're in? Bedroom

11. Your hobby? Guitar

12. Your fear? Failure

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Wadesville

14. What you're not? Tall

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. One of your wish list items? Support

17. Where you grew up? Evansville

18. The last thing you did? Sneeze

19. What are you wearing? Clothes

20. Favorite Gadget? iPod

21. Your pet? Adorable

22. Your computer? Laptop

23. Your mood? Blank

24. Missing someone? Very

25. Your car? Crap

26. Something you are not wearing? Shoes

27. Favorite Store? Target

28. Like someone? Yep

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

I'm going to tag Corinne...and thats my only person on blogger who hasn't done it haha so I'll get some others somewhere else.

Life is Waiting to Begin

Well I guess things are winding down. I probably won't post anything else about my grandmother after this one until she passes away because there's no way I'll be able to not vent. Tomorrow they are sending her home with hospice. Which means they give her 6 months or less to live. I kind of thought she was going to die today. I'm not being pessimistic, she just had another really bad day. Something went wrong with her heart again. I'm not going to get my hopes up that she is going to live much longer because then I will be even more crushed when she passes but I'm glad she gets to go home. She hates hospitals and always gets a little better at home where she is comfortable. Yesterday she did really good...she was very alert and was talking good. Today she was slurring all her words together and didn't know where she was. She thought it was 1943. Shit.

That's all I have for now I geuss. Hopefully I don't have to mention my grandmother for awhile.

Payback is Coming

Well I don't really have any updates but I decided to go ahead and post something anyway. My grandmother was doing better for a little bit yesterday but now its going back down. She's got an infection somewhere but they haven't figured out where yet. Her kidneys aren't doing any better. Her heart is still weak and they can't do anything about that until her kidneys get better. They can't pump very much fluids through her to help her kidneys though because then she will pneumonia. So, basically everything is in a holding situation. If her kidneys get any worse though they are going to send her home with hospice.

I'm glad my uncle is up here. Not only because it helps us with the stress over my grandmother but just because he is a lot of fun to be around. Last night before dinner Rachel kept swatting at me and bothering me so he walks up and says "Here, Katie, next time she bothers you just do this." So then he grabs my pressure point right above my elbow and I just dropped. I fell to my knees so fast. I was like ahh! and he started laughing but held on to it and my arm was all retarded and I couldn't move it. I've had people grab that pressure point before and of course it always hurts but he totally caught me off guard. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to get him back before he leaves for Florida again. lol

Anyways that's it for now I guess. I'm off to find something productive to do.

Passing Time

Oh and another long day is ahead. So far everything is ok. My grandmother is stable but her kidneys are close to completely shutting down. Sucks. But I don't feel like talking about that right now.

I've decided to stop talking about the father/home issues (if that's what you want to call it). No blogging or talking to people. Its just not how I handle things. I am usually a fun person to be around and when I write about it or talk to someone I'm thinking about it even more and then I get pissed off. I have an anger problem as it is and don't need a constant reminder to fuel it even more. I find that I am generally in a worse mood after talking to someone or writing so I'm just going to go back to the way it was. I still left a lot of stuff out even when writing these but now I'm just leaving it all out. Even when I'm depressed about things I'm still usually a lot of fun to hang out with or talk to and I don't think I am anymore. I mean of course I'm still like the coolest person to party with (lol) but I'm not like I used to be. So for now I don't plan on writing about it at all unless I get extremely pissed of and can't take it anymore. But even then I probably won't. From now on I'll probably write about random stuff, stupid people who make me giggle, or just updates on my life. The only real negative thing for now that will be found in posts will be about my grandmother. Because that whole situation is just no good.

So, I guess while I'm talking about writing about other things I'll get started on that. How about stupid people who make me giggle. Yesterday at the hospital one of my aunts came to see my grandmother. Then a bunch of us went out and the hall were talking about random things and my other grandmother asked me about college. I told her about some of my plans. Then she was like you are going for Social Work right? And I said yes. Wow. My aunt got soooo pissed. I had to try really hard not to start cracking up while she was still in the hall with us. She has had 4 kids taken away from her because she's been reported by social workers. It sucks that I'll never see any of them but I'm glad that they were taken from her because they needed better lives. But yeah she had no idea about that I was going to college for that. Hehe. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. Which is ridiculous but to me it was hilarious. I know I've gotten mad about other people not wanting me to go into that but since she actually has a bad view of them and hates them its funny. At least she has a reason to not be happy about it.

I guess thats about it for now. Hopefully later I will have a positive update on my grandmother. Staying optimistic. Until then...

Long Day

So, I'm taking a break from the hospital. Today has been crazy. Last night I went to bed somewhere between 2 or 3. Woke up at 7:13. Ran to the women's hospital to see Nikki. Stayed there a bit then ran to St. Mary's because my mom called me hysterical. She's really upset about my grandmother (cause its her mom) but that's totally understandable we all are. I got there and she was in and out of consciousness. Her kidneys are both failing. Plus her heart is of course still very week from the heart attack. They think she may have also had a stroke. But they can't do anything for her heart until they get her kidneys working. We are having trouble waking her up though. And if we do wake her up its only for about ten seconds.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. I'm also drained just from all the stress of this past week between my grandmother and my sister. I can't wait until my uncle gets here. He lives in Florida and won't be here for about 6 and a half more hours. I wish I got to see him more often. He is my mom's brother and when he is around everyone is always in a good mood and things at least appear better even if they aren't. He just has a way of calming everyone down and cheering us up. I wish he lived closer. But on the bright side we don't have to pay for a hotel when we visit Florida. :)

Anyway, I wish he could get here sooner. Maybe we will get lucky and her kidneys will start working. I hope so. I usually don't ask for this but please pray for my family. We could really use an extra boost. I guess I'll update later tonight or tomorrow depending on where I sleep tonight. But for now I need to get ready to head back...

Crazy

Today has not been good. The only good thing was hearing good news for someone else. Other than that its been exhausting. I want to go to sleep.

After my post last night I ended up falling asleep right after that. Yay. However my sister woke me up at 5 because she was in a lot of pain again and was headed back to the hospital. Boo. She's still having issues and got some more medicine to cover up the pain but nothing to actually make it go away. Tomorrow though she will be seeing some other doctors who will hopefully know what they are doing. She's back now all drugged out on some meds. Hopefully whatever is wrong will start getting better.

After we got her back to her house we got a call from my grandparents. My grandmother was having chest pains which is no good because she smokes over a pack a day and has a history of heart problems (she had a quadruple bypass surgery 3 years ago). She's terribly hard headed and didn't want to go to the hospital even though she needed to. So me and my other sister got in her car and headed toward their place. She was driving crazy and it scared the hell out of me. I have a fear of being in a car accident because I was in a very bad one a few years ago and I got all kinds of jacked up. So anyway on our way out there my mom called us and said they were headed to the hospital so we turned around. We just got a call about five minutes ago. They said it was a heart attack but she's okay. Or I guess as okay as someone can be after having a heart attack.

I'm freaking out.

Sunday Morning

I can't sleep again and I'm not too happy about it. So I decided to get on here. Warning. I have nothing interesting to say.

I've still got a lot of time to go but I can't wait to prove everyone wrong. I look forward to meeting my goals and showing them that I do actually know what I'm doing. Jealous bitches. I only care about the opinions of three people not including like my best friends because obviously they are supportive (no offense guys). I still haven't decided on a minor. Tough choice. If anyone has any ideas feel free to throw some my way. I'm open to suggestions.

By the way...I hate the damn shamwow commercial. I don't know if anyone else has seen it...but its wicked freaking annoying. That's random but it just came on TV so that's why I mentioned it.

Oh and good news. I think I got over the fear of the one guitar that attacked my face. lol. Played it two days in a row with no injuries. I'm set.

Alright well I'm bored and its 3:43 and I still have nothing to talk about. Maybe I will later today...