Well this isn't exactly how I pictured this year going when thinking about it before I graduated. I figured I'd have my nice school schedule and hopefully a job. I got that part right. I thought I'd still hang out with friends a lot and be the same person. I got that part wrong. I thought I'd work enough hours to pay for what I needed and not try to take on more than I can handle with school. I got that part wrong. I thought I'd have the same friends. Wrong again. I just didn't see it being like this. I liked the picture I thought I would see but I think I like this one more. Well some parts of it. I didn't expect it to go exactly as I thought though because nothing ever does.
I enjoy my school and work balance most days. Sometimes I feel like I can't get things done on time but I usually find some way of amazing myself and finishing everything. I work a lot but I'm glad I do. Its actually one of my favorite places to go which I know is weird. (its not my job. I don't enjoy being a cashier, its being around the people that work there. it wouldn't matter where it was or what I was doing if I was with people like them I'd have to like it) Some days I'm not too thrilled about when I work but I can't complain. I get along with so many people there I can't help but enjoy working. Even with the shitty customers I still like it. I've always got someone there who will stand next to me and give them dirty looks or say something to shut them up. lol.
I hardly go out with friends anymore. I see some at school, send an email, or text but that's about it. I never stay out late with them or go to the movies or anything like I used to. Every once in awhile I'll go to lunch with someone, but not very often. I miss certain people. A lot. Even though I still talk to them its not the same I miss seeing them. I didn't expect to keep the same friends from high school. I knew I'd lose a lot and that's not what my issue is. I still have a lot, I'm just so damn busy because of work I can't see them. I get so frustrated with myself for staying so busy all the time. I get so excited just to go to lunch or Starbucks with a friend now because I'm either at school, work, or sleeping. I just miss being around them. I hate this antisocial bullshit. Its not me.
I'm much different. I'm still somewhat the same but some days I feel colder. I don't mean temperature related, though I am cold a lot and that's unlike me, I'm always wearing a jacket now. But I mean I feel somber. I'm still goofy and fun and I don't think my friends have noticed because I still act the same around them but I'm really quite solemn. I think this started with a certain death but I could be wrong. Its hard to explain...I act the same but I'm not as cheerful as often. I'm not depressed though. I don't know I'm almost confusing myself.
Oh well. I hope eventually I find a good balance with school, work, and my social life because I really need to fix it with some people. As for myself, I think I need to work on accepting that death to help myself. But its hard to accept it when I don't talk to anyone. I think I'm cold because I just ignore it and its building up. I don't know why I do this.
...And accept the way life takes you through these changes.
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