Well I'm not sure what to do with myself. Now that I work at the service desk I can't get off on the days I need. I have weddings to take pictures at and other things and now I'm not allowed to request off. D will let me off for anything I need any time no questions asked. All I need is to warn her a week in advance and I'm good. But D doesn't do the service desk schedule so I don't have that freedom. Now I'm kind of butting heads with S, the service desk and office supervisor, because she won't work with me on this. I don't want to quit the service desk, I do like working up there...but if we can't agree on something that works for both of us I will. S doesn't have a problem with me, she likes me and we usually get along fine and I don't want to make her mad but this is bullshit. I work for my sister too and she signs contracts for weddings saying she will have another photographer with her (not at all of them but most) and you DO NOT screw with some one's wedding. I'm not allowed holidays off but we have a wedding July 4th...I'd like to see S try to tell me I have work that day. It will be the only no call no show I'll ever do (they wouldn't fire me over it anyway) I agreed to that wedding and others before being put up there. I don't care that I'd be knocking myself back down. I said I would work at those weddings and that's that. If taking a step back makes it easier for me to be able to do both jobs then fine. Its not like I'm being loaded down with too many hours at BL, I just need certain days off and if they can't handle that I'll go back to working with a manager that can. It sucks but oh well. I do like working with D so I won't mind moving back up front if I have to.
I had to miss Easter with the family. This was because I can't request holidays off now because of S and had to work 1030 to 5. I don't mind working on a holiday, but damn they could have given me some better hours so I could have at least seen some of my family. I totally had a breakdown moment at work yesterday. Since I don't talk about my gmas death sometimes something sparks a memory and it just hits me. I had to excuse myself calmly and then ran to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes while I fell apart so no one would know. Te is the only one who knew because I thought I owed an explanation on why I ran off and left her. I really need to figure out a way to deal with this. No one knows how I am right now. I mean people who read this know it bothers me but I can't explain how much I'm screwing myself up right now in my head. Its not just her death. Its hers, my friend's, other family, my own personal screw ups in life, and family situation right now. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean its okay. I'm not okay. And this is the only time I'll ever admit it.
I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. I'm honestly thinking about knocking out now and its only 720. I had a long weekend. I guess we'll see how long I can last.
Pick your favorite shade of black, you best prepare a speech.
Say something funny, say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me.
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